Bilbo's (Un) Respectable Diary

Chapter 2

Day 10.

10:10 Been riding on pony for days now. Bum hurts like it's just been branded with a red hot poker!

And, to make matters worse, Smokin-Shield won't even look at me.

On the other hand: that does mean I get to stare at his backside!

Points:

Bilbo: 1

Smokin-Shield: 500,000

10:15 Still staring.

Wonder what his majesty looks like without the furs...

Gandalf immediately cuts in front of my horse blocking view of Smokin-Shield.

Ruddy wizard!

10:17 Oh, and now he's lit up a pipe. Wind gushes and I nearly hack up a lung due to the second hand smoke.

Wait, I know that smell.

Ruddy Wizard raided my stash!

Day 23

23:09 Can't sleep.

Pull out an apple from my sack. I've never been one to enjoy apples very much anyway. Useless food if you ask me.

Wonder if Smokin-Shield likes apples?

Maybe I could feed him one??

Look over. He's still sleeping.

23:10 Decide to give apple to pony since he was eyeing me.

There, at least one of us can enjoy our fantasies.

23:12 Petting pony as he eats.

Mind starts to wonder. Huh , maybe these creatures aren't so bad at all. Even begin to think maybe adventures aren't all that bad either.

So far the worst thing has been an uncomfortable place to sleep. Nothing to drastic.

Not to mention I get to stare at Smokin-Shield, through my cloak when we're riding, though he's taken... but all in all it's been a pretty good experience. Maybe it won't be as bad as I had imagined--

23:13 A wretched screech is heard in the distance.

I whip my head around so fast I almost snap my neck! Of course something would happen now!

23:14 "What was that?" I ask.

The cute young brunette dwarf looks up. "Orcs."

"Orcs?!"

"Throat-cutters, there'll be dozens of the out there," The blonde dwarves casual tone does nothing to slow my racing heart "The Lowlands are crawling with them."

If I thought I couldn't feel my heart beating before, I was wrong!

The dark haired one adds on doing nothing to console my skyrocketing pulse. "They strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet – no screams. Just lots of blood."

Can literally feel another faint about to come on.

23:15 To make matters worse, I can see Smokin-shield heading towards me opening his beautiful mouth.

"You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?"

Oh, the dark angel to my rescue!

Brunette dwarf looks redder than Mrs. Brandybucks prized tomatoes.

"We didn't mean anything by it Uncle, promise."

Those little devils. Trying to frighten the poor defenseless Hobbit.

23:18 White haired dwarf has made his way over sometime during my almost early death scene. He begins to explain Smokin-shield's sudden outburst.

Oh, so he wasn't just coming to my rescue...

Feel slightly disheartened.

23:19 Older white bearded dwarf is explaining what sounds like a very epic sounding battle.

I'm not listening, to distracted by looking at Smokin-shield standing off looking over the cliff in the distance.

Looks as if he’s deep in thought.

A majestic thought.

Staring off majestically into the distance.

With majesty...

How does he do that?!

23:32 Older white bearded dwarf - whose name I’ve learned is Balin - is still talking but have zoned out. Smokin-shields hair caught the wind and is flows impressively behind him.

Bloody majestic.

23:35 Older dwarf Balin finishes tale with line, “There is one I could call king,” as if he had rehearsed it multiple times in front of his vanity.

If dwarves even have vanities?

Do dwarves even have mirrors?

Take look around..

Nope, definitely not.

23:36 Oh. Dear. Mahal.

Smokin-Shield has turned back to us in full sexy majesty. Heart nearly stopped due to majesty attack.

23:37 Smokin-Shield bumped my side while walking past. Look up to smirk, But-Wait was that a wink?

Can’t tell if that was intended or just a piece of ash in his beautiful eye. Immediately ponder the meaning behind “what goes bump in the night.”

24:01 Still awake.

24:46 Definitely not sleeping tonight!