Melanie and Elan - Part 1
1. Write a Letter to Someone
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May 5, 2018
Dear Elan,
I'm being told that writing a letter to you would help.
How? I'm not sure. It's not like you'll ever read it. But that's beside the point.
So here goes.
Do you still remember what you told me before you left?
Things will get better, but they have to get worse before they do.
But Elan—things don't get better. They only go from bad to worse. They will never get better.
You had this twisty way of talking so that somehow things just made sense. And now that you're no longer around to weave magic with your words, I realize that it was just all bullshit.
You're gone now and all I'm left with are the promises you made but can never keep. I'm so angry with you. I wish you were here so I could make you understand my pain.
Elan, why didn't you pull over?
It's a question I ask myself every day. You could've just pulled over, and maybe things would still be some kind of okay.
I hate that it was just another typical, boring morning when I got the call. It came at me like bomb, blowing my life into pieces. When my phone lit up with a call from an unknown number, I was reading a message that you had sent that night.
Elan Robertson, 1:56 a.m.
I'm heading out soon. It'll be a long drive, but thinking about you always gets me through it. I miss you.
You had no idea that it'd be the last thing I'd ever get from you.
They said you crashed around four in the morning. Fell asleep at the wheel and drifted into the divider. At first I didn't believe it. How could I? This was you, Elan. You were responsible. That could never happen to you.
It took forty-eight unanswered calls to your cell phone before the numbness finally sank in. You were gone.
I see you everywhere. When I stumble across a pair of your old shoes, I lose it. When I find your favorite mug in the cabinet, it takes all my self-restraint to keep from throwing it at the wall. When you died, you took a part of me with you.
Elan, I wish I told you more how much you meant to me. You were the kind of person that made the world a better place to live in. I miss your kindness and your laugh. God, I miss your laugh. I know everyone always says, "my so-and-so has the best laugh in the world." Well, they're wrong. Because you had the most amazing laugh and I would give anything to hear it again.
I don't know if you're out there somewhere. I don't know if my words will find their way to you. But I do know that I miss you every single day. The pain is always fresh, worst at night when there's nothing holding back my thoughts. I hope you weren't in pain. I hope you left this world knowing that back home in Tampa, there was someone who loved you more than life. Who still does.
Thank you for sharing your brilliance with me. Thank you for the best three years of my life. And thank you for loving me when I know it wasn't always easy.
Yours always,
Mel
