Is it love? • Daniel Seavey

Begins

-Day 3-

Today is the day I do my first round of Chemo. Today is the day we begin the process of health. Also loss. I loose my hair. I know I may sound "petty" or "dramatic" to this but when you feel like you loose the only part of yourself that makes you love yourself, it hurts. Today is a shitty day. I hate shitty days.

"Hey hon how are you doing?" Dr. Collins asks me while checking my vitals and writing them down.

"I'm doing alright, physically." I said holding back on my mental pain.

"Alright well, as you know, today is your first round of Chemo. I know it sucks and there's nothing I can say to make you feel better but at least you'll make yourself healthier. Okay?" Collins said as he padded my shoulder. I nodded in response as he smiled and left. Right before he shut the door I saw a familiar figure come up to the door. I squinted to gain better focus and notice a curly hair shadow.

"Oh my god Jack! You can let him in." I yelled as the door opened to Jack.

"Hey." Jack said opening the door then shutting it behind him. He shyly stood there and then looked at me.

"Jack I know." I said sitting up and sitting at the edge of my uncomfortable hospital bed.

"How?" He asked.

"Daniel told me." I said as tears rolled down his face I patted the bed as he walked over looking at the ground still and sat on the bed.

"I'm s-so sorry." He said choking on his tears. I wrapped my arms around him as he dug is head into my shoulder.

"Jack why'd you do it?" I asked as he kept his head in my shoulder and his arms wrapped around me.

"Because I had to know what I was feeling." He said.

"And what were you feeling?" I asked in a quite tone.

"Guilt." He said as I slowly pulled out of his grip. His head looking at his hands which were fiddling with his rings. I tilted his head up to look at me as I wiped away his tears.

"But why Jack?" I said as he looked up at me. His eyes puffy. Seeing him like this made me tear up.

"Because I can't do anything to make you better. Instead you have to go through all of this and there's nothing I can do." He said cry hysterically. Tears left my eyes as I grabbed his hands and looked at our intertwined hands.

"Jack. This is something that I have to do alone. The only thing you can do to make me feel better is promise me that you will never hurt yourself again." I said as we looked up at each other. He nodded his head and I hugged him.

I felt comfort in being with him. Soon enough it was ruined by the doctor coming in telling me it's time to begin chemo.

"Bye Jack." I said as the doctor held the door open for me waiting for me to leave. I did just as he told me.

I walked down the hall with my head down. I didn't want to see the stupid fluorescent lights. I didn't want to see the fake smiles printed on the nurses faces. I didn't want to see the patients looking at me with pity as they know where I'm going. I just wanted to look at my steps. As I walked down the hall and heard my mother mutter things to the doctor. I looked at my ugly hospital gown and my slippers they gave me to wear, as tears began to form. I quickly wiped them away as the nurse outside the door asked me if I'm ready. I nodded my head. Went in and did as I was told. As so it begins.

• Day 4 •
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To be continued...