Growing Pains

Fifteen Years Old

Dear Diary,

I just turned fifteen. So you know what that means, I GOT MY PERMIT!!!! It's so fun, but kinda scary too. We almost DIED the other day. I was pulling out of Walmart and I got confused and turned into the wrong lane. My mom was screaming and I was screaming and I'm pretty sure the guy in the car coming at us was screaming because he was honking a lot and it was just awful. My mom didn't let me drive for a few days after that. But, good news, I have been accident-free since then!

Landon still won't let me hang out with him and Carter. Some things never change, I guess. They've been going to parties and bonfires, and guess who's number one on their do-not-bring-under-any-circumstances list. I think it's mostly just Landon though. Carter has been acting different lately. He finally stopped his endless teasing and torturing me, but it's turned into this awkward thing where he acts weird and doesn't talk to me as much as he used to. At least he quit encouraging Landon to leave me.

Okay, confession time. When did Carter get so cute? I just looked up one day and the twelve year old with shaggy hair and a couple missing teeth was gone. Instead of being awkward and tall and lanky, he had filled out and held himself confidently. He had finally managed to tame his unruly hair, and learned the basic principles of hygiene. To be honest he actually smelled good. Like, really good. Ever since then, I've had this insane crush on him. Any time he looks at me I can't stop blushing. I wished there were some way I could get him to like me, but that'll never happen. Landon would be so mad, his head would probably explode!

According to the people at school, there's nothing about me he'd like anyways. I'm too loud, too short, too fat, too everything. And Carter isn't too anything. He's perfect. So far out of my league I couldn't find him with a telescope. No one wants me. That's the thought that constantly rings through my head now. Ever since high school started it's been a steady chorus through the halls. People constantly picking out pieces of me until I feel like there's nothing left to take. I try to remind myself that soon high school will be over, and I'll be out of this town, and far away from these people. But sometimes it's easier to hold on to that idea than others. And the leaders of my youth group keep telling me I'm "beautifully and wonderfully made" but does it really even mean anything coming from a book that's generalizing an entire population. They keep telling me that Jesus loves me and Jesus wants me but maybe I want Daniel from math class to want me. Maybe I want Michael in science to want me. Maybe I'd like anyone my age to want me. Maybe, deep down, I wish Carter wanted me. I guess the answer to that is obvious, but I'm not ready to admit that yet. I try to pray about it sometimes, but it's kinda awkward having a one-sided conversation. That would just be one more thing for Jessie and Meghan to talk to the entire school about. "Have you heard about how Anna sits alone in her room all night talking to herself?" As if they didn't have enough to say already. But it seems to work for everyone else in church. Maybe they're getting something I'm not. Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe I'll try praying again tonight.

Wish Me Luck,

Anna