Growing Pains

Twenty Years Old

Dear Diary,

I finally got out of that high school. I'm twenty now, and I'm in a small community college near my house. I'm doing much better. The things people say still hurt sometimes, and the echoes of what they said in high school still linger in the back of my mind, but I rest in the simple truth that it doesn't matter what they say about me. The one who created me is the only one who can decide who I am.

My brother has been going to college for years. As far away from here as he could get, of course. He was so desperate to get out of this small town. He was dying to "experience new things". Little did he know, our entire world was soon to be knocked off its axis.

An early morning in October, I got a call from my mom saying I needed to come home. My parents had news, and I knew it was bad when they refused to tell me over the phone. My stomach filled with dread. I was fidgeting, switching radio stations, and talking to myself in an effort to calm down the entire way home. The thirty minute drive had never felt so long. When I finally got there my parents were sitting on the couch in the living room. Their faces were red and blotchy. I started shaking. The doctors had found skin cancer on my mom's shoulder. They went further into it but my ears were ringing so loud I couldn't focus. Luckily, the doctor had said, they caught it early. But I know enough about cancer to know that it's not as simple as that. You never really know what's going to happen. Doctors can give you their best guess, but they don't actually know for sure. Only time will tell, but that's exactly what you feel you're running out of. Time is the one thing you're worried you'll never have. You'll never have the time you thought you'd have with your mom. Where it had once seemed like an endless expanse before you, you can practically hear the ticking of the clock in your head. After the word cancer comes into play, time is your worst enemy. I asked them if they had told Landon and they told me he was on the soonest flight home. They hadn't told him everything yet, but he knew enough. He knew he was going to be home for a while. I had never prayed as much in my life as I had in those initial days. Praying for healing. Praying for comfort. Praying for peace. Praying for healing again. Sometimes not having anything left to pray and just crying.

It's funny how sickness can bring a family closer than ever before. I believe sickness has more power than almost anything else in this world. It has the power to do good things like silence arguments between siblings, cause you lean more heavily on Jesus, and reach out to people you haven't spoken to in a while. It brought Landon and me closer than ever before. It gave us a common ground we had never really had before. We held each other as we cried, we talked about our fears, looked back on memories. It had given me the older brother I had secretly always wanted. The one who loved me and wanted me around. The one who cared when I was sad and picked me up when I was down.

But it also has the power to bring about terrible things. It can cause blind terror, stomp out hope any hope you may have, and steal any happiness you ever thought you had. It brought about frustration that led to arguments. It brought about crying long hours into the night. It made you afraid to dream. To dream that my mom would be there when I graduated college. To dream she would be at my wedding. To dream she would meet her future grandchildren. To wonder what they would call her. Why think about those things, when they're not possible anymore? It only hurts.

Sickness, like anything else in this world, is a give and take. My mom went through treatments that made her sicker than the cancer itself ever could have. We spent time with friends and family that we probably wouldn't have without it. Medical bills came in that my parents would spend the rest of their lives trying to pay off. We had small parties to celebrate when we got good news. We spent so much time trying to just soak it all in as much as possible. Every memory, good or bad, was precious, and it gave the coming holidays a newfound significance.

Even with the shadow of sickness looming, we were so excited for the holidays. My family loves getting together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's the most exciting time of our years and this one would be no different. I was especially excited after hearing that Carter was going to be coming home to visit. We had developed a pretty strong friendship in the last couple of years. In fact, the year before he had left for college, we had been almost inseparable. I was so sure it was finally going to happen! We were finally going to confess our love and live happily ever after! But it never felt like the right time. It was never the right time until he was leaving for college and there was no time left at all. Time holds almost as much power as sickness.

Even throughout long periods of being apart we had kept in touch. We met up any time he came home, and spent almost all of our time together until he left again. If anything happened, he was the first person I told. Somewhere along the way, he had turned into a kind, generous man who loved Jesus more than anything else. He had comforted me when I told him the news about my mom. He had prayed with me and for me over the phone. He had been nothing but encouraging. He was my rock. He and Landon were still as close as ever. Theirs was a self-proclaimed "bromance" that would last a lifetime. As legendary as Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake. Comparable to Drake and Josh. However, I didn't really know how it would withstand a potential relationship between me and Carter.

When Carter finally made it home for Thanksgiving break, there was a stark difference in our relationship. He was more intentional about spending time together. There were more casual brushes against my hand when we were walking together. He leaned in whenever we talked, like I was the most important thing in that moment and he didn't want to miss a word I said. It seemed like every time I looked up he was already looking at me. One night, after going to see a movie, we just sat in my driveway for a while. We just talked for what seemed like hours. When the conversation died off we sat in a comfortable silence. He let out a breath and straightened like he had made a decision about something. He turned toward me and grabbed my hand. He was shaking a little bit as he told me that he loved me, and had loved me for a while now. And before I even had the chance to process it, he kissed me. It was like letting out a breath I didn't know I had been holding in. Like finally reading the end of a book you had put down a long time ago. It was nothing like the awkward fumbling of a high school romance. It was sweet and warm and I never wanted it to end. When he finally pulled away, I'm pretty sure I was glowing. We said goodnight and he asked me if we could go out on a real date the following evening. I was so shocked the excitement didn't even register until I was inside my apartment. I'm not gonna lie, there might have been some screeching, and a bit of dancing. I immediately called my long-time best friend, Kelsie. We talked until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and had to go to sleep. Carter and I finally came out as an official couple that weekend at my parent's thanksgiving dinner. Landon was upset at first but got over it soon enough. My parents shared knowing smiles that told me they had been waiting on this for a while now. I had never been happier.

Someone Pinch Me,

Anna