The Weird Book

life update!

honestly, i never expected that i have made new friends (internet friends as of now)

but there's one friend who don't seem to want to talk to me idk why but the short replies he's been giving me is somewhat giving it off. but im not entirely sure if he doesnt wanna talk.

tho these past few weeks ive been happy! tho yesterday i ended up crying while watching a bts sad imagine and just burst into tears throughout the whole thing

ever since i was fifteen i did noticed how much of a moody person i am in terms of emotions and thoughts.

the fact not everyone could sense whether or not im feeling down at all because honestly, i got so used to coping my own emotions that its so natural for me to hide it. like one time at school, i ended up being angry to the point i burst into tears and i didnt see if anyone just stare at me because that time i didnt give a single fuck that im slowly showing how angry i am

my guy friend noticed and came to calm me down but i wasnt having it and when i calmed down everyone just looked at me and I SWEAR the people on the room didnt even came up to me and comforted me despite my anger

tho i did feel a bit better when my friend and my guy friend brought me to a cafe at a mall and my guy friend even bought me my drink

anyway, for me, as much as i would've want someone to quickly know whether or not im acting like myself. because knowing me, i always show my positive side rather than the opposite of it because i dont want people to worry much about me because i want to at least handle it on my own, tho emotional support would be nice because i really do needed someone to hug to

i'm not implying to be selfish or anything, i don't want you guys to misunderstood that

not everyone still understands the way that i cope my feelings. I would usually write on my diary or listen to music or think things through whenever i got the chance or even draw on my sketchbook

i always bring both of my diary and sketchbook to school because knowing me, i have those times where i wanna be alone and do my thing

i have those moments where im feeling happy but then all of the sudden, the melancholic feeling strikes out of nowhere that i try to get rid of as i would do something about it

not wanting my mind to focus on that particular thing and just focus on other stuff

though i have those moments where i should've done better in the past.

like how the first playwrite and play we did at school (i wrote the script to lessen the hassle on my friend as she edited some parts and we even directed it as well)
we got the lowest grade despite the practice and how the whole play it went so bad i felt too guilty at myself because my teacher expected so much it was pressuring and just plain out embarassing

how i should've been a better friend bc i have to reassure myself everyday that i atleast done good or enough even if its all self reassurance

that feeling that i just want someone to hug me so tight and reassure that everything's gonna be okay because my life could literally be torn apart once again

there's so much that my mind just wanders around the past and its making me too emotional to the point while im showering and a sad song comes on and the sad thoughts just came right in and pierce my heart

the future is still looking blurry for me, and its summer that im supposed to at least have fun but i dont always feel like im having fun at all

i havent hung out with my childhood best friend yet and how my friends all live a bit far from me really sucks

which ended up of me stuck at home trying to entertain myself despite the boredom

like i dont always track the days anymore and its been like a blur to me

also im tryna not think too much of my new school because there's one subject i might end up hating

(I honestly hate programming that i thought i even failed but i didnt for some reason but still i hate it)

also i would love to have a pet like an emotional support pet is what i would've wanted because im such a fucking mess that having to have that pet would mean the absolute world to me plus i wont feel too alone

its getting to the point that my mental illnesses isnt getting much attention and acknowledge for

im not so sure