Open Shop: Reviews, Editing, Research

AfterLIFE

Author: -Leyza-

Genre: Fantasy.

Chapters Reviewed: Four.

Overall Score: 68/100.

Cover, Title, and Blurb:

-- Cover: I really like the background on this one; it's clear, it's interesting, and it sets a tone for the story. The angle too, it's something you see in cinematography-- worm's eye versus bird's eye, in this case the latter, which shows the vulnerability of this child since we (the readers) look down on him. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the text, though. It doesn't stand out as particularly awkward or anything, but it sort of creates a different tone from the image. That leaves the author name for last, but I see no issue with it. So moving on to the title...

-- Title: Right. So I do find it a little strange, the capitalization (AfterLIFE). I understand that 'life' is the emphasis, but the word itself emphasizes it for you. Beyond that, the title's fine. Suits the story.

-- Blurb: The capitalized "HE" is a bit odd as well. The rest of the blurb is serviceable-- little short, but it sets up some intrigue, so I'd read it if all I had to go on was the blurb alone.

Score: 4/5.

Grammar:

-- Misuse of semicolons: I noticed this in the prologue specifically-- for instance, "The warmth of a hand; the whistle of the wind; falling." None of those are independent; none can stand on their own, so it comes down to stylistic choice if you want them together. In that case, I'd recommend using commas ("The warmth of a hand, the whistle..."). Yes, the commas technically aren't correct either, but better than semicolons.

-- Tenses: So your prologue is in present tense and there are some bits throughout that are present tense as well ("surely it's common knowledge not to talk to strangers"; "I still remember that driver's hatred...") despite the fact that your story is in past tense. Especially in regards to the death at the beginning, this doesn't make sense-- he is dying, but then he was in the afterlife?

-- Dialogue tags: When you've got one (he said, she murmured, etc.), then he/she/it/whatever is lowercase and a period used in dialogue becomes a comma. So for example: "I want to know why," she said. Questions and exclamations retain their punctuation, but also follow the same rule for lowercase: "Are you kidding?" he asked. "Honestly!" she said.

-- Beyond these couple issues, it's just fine.

Score: 12/15.

Plot and Overall Entertainment:

It's only three chapters in, but I'm starting to see the strings of the plot thread together. We've got recently-deceased-and-revived Kyle having to go through a bizarre and unfamiliar world, complete with "cursed ones", monsters who only appear during the rain, and amnesia. He's thrust into this mess of a world, and the second he thinks he has a grasp on basics like currency and lifestyle, something new gets thrown at him and he's forced to react with no knowledge other than what he can observe in the present moment.

The shining moment for me so far has been the monsters. Immediate interest with them-- why "son"? And if it's not really after Kyle (since the townspeople know them well and the monsters get into people's houses rather than go after him), then who is the son? And I like how it hurt him to even touch the thing. But I'm not really sure how to feel about the ending of the third chapter. So two people (or really, only Maria) managed to kill or at least ward off two daemons. Why isn't the town doing that? Why are they buying close-range weaponry? It seems odd to me that they wouldn't defend the town and completely drive the monsters away. Now maybe there's a reason why-- maybe the monsters don't care if they're hurt (but then why stop when Maria shot them?), or maybe they'll follow the townspeople even if they all move away, but I don't know yet. All I'm left with is the why.

There are a couple other things that drag the score down a bit (telling and time period, namely), but more on those later.

Score: 12/15.

Characters:

Well, I've only the one to review, so here goes:

-- Kyle: I don't feel like I've been given a lot of information on him, not enough to really know him. This may be (in part) due to the telling versus showing issue-- more on that later-- but the fact remains. Now, anyone would react with fear in his situation, but this is the main character. He doesn't need to be the Chosen One, Lord of the Universe and Master of All Trades, but why is he the medium for this story? What makes him different from anyone else? I wish the prologue would offer more in that respect... his last feeling is regret, but there are thousands of reasons why he could be regretful. Was his last conversation with a loved one an argument? Was there something he wanted to do that he never got the chance to accomplish? Did he feel like he wasn't enough in life? Telling is hurting you here as well-- instead of telling me he's panicked, regretful, show it. Show me Kyle's last memories so that I've a sense of who he is, of what he chooses to cling to as he dies. If the last thing he chooses to focus on is a happy memory, that tells me something different about him than if it was a sad one or a painful one or if he only focuses on the pain, the present. And then throughout the next chapters, I still feel distanced from him because I don't really get a sense of panic or anything until the monsters come, so there's not a ton that really puts me in the story alongside him.

Score: 6/15.

Overall Notes:

-- Small note: You've written titles as "Chapter one", "Chapter two", and "Chapter three". I'd recommend writing them as "Chapter One", "Chapter Two", and "Chapter Three" instead.

-- There are a lot of semicolons. I'm not someone who hates the sight of them, and I actually use them quite frequently... but in this story, there are enough to be distracting.

-- "scruffy voice" sounds a little odd.

-- Why does the driver offer him a ride? It's not just that he hates Kyle; he believes Kyle is cursed. 

-- "I subconsciously began to cower". If he were cowering subconsciously, he wouldn't realize it, and so it wouldn't come up in his narrative.

-- Telling is a definite issue here. Chapter One: "shocked and confused", "agitation", "annoyance and disgust", "taken aback", "angry", "in fear", "annoyance", "relief", "nerve-racking", "frustrated and bemused", "relieved", "terror". Chapter Two: "confused and dumbfounded", "loneliness", "empty loneliness", "indescribable pain", "sudden pain", "weary, dead tired", "anxiety", "fury", "cold-hearted rage", "longing and hatred", "ineffable pain". There's a lot described for the monster as well. Chapter Three: "energy driven by fear", "pain", "agony", "pain". 

So when you wrote the blood rushing, heart pounding in Chapter Two, that added to the urgency of the scene. And I don't mind bits like "I was afraid. Afraid of dying." because it hits-- but all the stuff before this is just a lot of telling when you could be bringing me into the scene further by showing. Anger: teeth bared, lip curled, eyes narrowed, tremor in the voice, etc. Stuff like this would give me more to fear in these monsters, and in general, more to envision in every character.

-- I like the set-up of these monsters, collectively looking for whoever the son is... they don't seem to be after Kyle specifically, so the mystery continues.

-- What time period is this? There are carriages, axes, swords, commodity money, jeans, gym shorts, sheds, and rock music. 

-- So, I try to judge the cover before I read the book... looking back at it now, that child looks younger than Kyle allegedly is, and Kyle is mentioned to have black hair.