Open Shop: Reviews, Editing, Research

The Darkened Cobblestoned Path

Author: Alexander_Chase.

Genre: Fantasy.

Chapters Reviewed: Nine.

Overall Score: 51/100.

Cover, Title, and Blurb:

-- Cover: I've mixed feelings on this cover. On the one hand, it gives off a very fantasy vibe while still keeping the modern hint to it with the two boys on the front. On the other, it's... crowded. The little lights kind of obscure everything and the title appears cramped. The title's a little awkward as well-- generally, the less important words ("a", "the", "of", etc.) are smaller than the more important parts of the title. In your case, "cobblestoned" is the same size as "the", and both are smaller than the other two words. The font color also makes it incredibly hard to read when the cover is any smaller than the one displayed on the 'Read' page.

-- Title: I mean... it fits. There's really not much to say here; the title fits the story well.

-- Blurb: Your blurb might get you. For one, the first sentence is a fragment, but it doesn't have the impact that it could: you've got each item separated by commas when you'd get more impact from periods. With periods, you could then separate the lines completely by making them into separate paragraphs. There should be some separation for "along the way", whether that's commas or em dashes. I might recommend the dashes just because there are already a number of commas in that last sentence. The last thing I have to say is about the "maybe develop feelings for one another" bit. This is a common thing with Wattpad-- "Will James and Kristy work past their problems?" Yes, and we know they will. Will the two boys develop feelings for one another along the way? Yeah, probably. Maybe this is more of a pet peeve for me than for most people, but the point remains.

Score: 2.5/5

Grammar:

Since I edited this one myself, regardless of whether or not the changes were made, I will give it near-full marks. However, I'll tell you that (as it stands) the grammar would rank below what I would normally accept for a review. If you're entering into the Wattys or other contests, I'd recommend editing so that your book is not passed over due to simple errors. Additionally, you've got a lot of repetition with dialogue tags.

Score: 13/15.

Plot and Overall Entertainment:

Chapter 1: Right off the bat, there are a couple logic issues that stand out to me. Timothy notes when he invades the house that Maxwell generally keeps the door to the study locked, and yet the one day that both children are left without supervision, the door is unlocked. That seems like extreme carelessness at a particularly plot-convenient time. You could, if you wanted, alter the behavior of either Caleb or Timothy. Caleb would have to be able to pick a lock and hopefully get past any magical protection, which seems unlikely, so Timothy's the more logical option. If he were deliberately targeting either parent, he could go into the study, curse whatever he intended to curse, and then have to hide as Caleb found the room unlocked and decided to hide there. Your second issue comes in from the ultimate prophecy set up-- Timothy specifically targets the boys, but not with anything fatal. He gives them the opportunity to discover the magical world and become a genuine threat rather than debilitate or kill them. That said, I think you could have a good start to the story here-- readers watching Caleb go into the study, knowing that a dangerous man is in there, waiting for him to attack... but then Caleb picks up the book. There's some tension to be had here, and mystery as well when one looks for Timothy's true motives, but it's being dragged down by logical inconsistencies and issues with character connection (more on telling in Additional Notes).