The S.P.E.

Prologue

Disclaimer: I own nothing Bob's Burgers related. I only borrow to feed my brainchild. This and every subsequent chapter are not my pure intellectual property and I do not post for any gain.

Prologue

My hair pins struggled against the sea breeze to keep control of my black locks. A beautiful sunset glowed over the bay while I stood on the wharf, listening to laughter, carnival games, and seagull calls. My sister's skirt flapped against my shins and I pulled my knitted cardigan closer as the sea breeze started to get chilly. I wished I could enjoy it instead of gripping the rail with white knuckles and a sense of dread. I was going on a blind date, at the urging of my best friend, my mother, my sister, her husband... basically everyone in my family except my father. He told me to do what I wanted, and if I didn't want to date a stranger then I should just stay home. Right now, I really wished I had listened to him instead of letting my best friend sign me up for online dating and convincing me to "be ballsy, Louise. Man up, Louise," and then shoving me into the unforgiving hands of my mother and sister for a first date make-over.

I'm going to slap him around a little tonight after I inevitably ditch this "Mr. WonderWharf" and go to the bar, I decided. At least I can give him shit about his crush as retribution. Even if I am jealous and hate her.

No Louise, I thought. Don't go there. Yes, you have feelings, but you know what we do with feelings? We slay them like dragons. It's what we've always done. I remembered all my past successes with love and, well, the list was quite short. Let him have his romance. It's not for you and after tonight, I'll just listen to Dad. Besides, unless I can have what Mom and Dad have, I'm not interested in a relationship. I must be able to laugh and play and enjoy my partner. It's either someone who can be my best friend, or nothing. I was not about to compromise my life for less than that.

How did I let them con me into this? Was I drunk? I didn't recall being drunk when I agreed but given the ridiculous things I've agreed to with some tequila in me, it's not completely impossible I had made a promise to let them dress me up and put me on the meat market, or "Meet Market" as Tina said. I smiled a little at her pun despite myself. I love those nutballs in my family and I know they were just looking out for me.

The clock tower at the wharf struck seven thirty. The sun was barely holding itself above the horizon. It was officially time for my date with Mr. WonderWharf. I hoped he was as funny in real life as he was online. I hoped he wasn't a troll. I hoped I looked okay. I hoped he wouldn't try to kiss me on the first date. This was one of the few times in my life that I wished I had a religion. Maybe if I believed in a higher power I would feel better praying. As it was, I just dried my sweaty palms on my sweater and turned to face the entrance.

I scanned the face of each guy who looked to be in his thirties, making eye contact and searching for a hint of connection. Honestly, I felt ridiculous. This was such a bad idea. Minutes passed, nobody walking towards me. I checked my watch. Seven thirty-eight. It's okay, Louise. He's running late. It's a Friday night in a beach town. There's traffic.

My pep talk did little to assuage the knots in my stomach and the heart in my throat. Sudden pounding footsteps on the wooden wharf to my left caused me to tear my eyes away from the entrance. A large man was barreling in my direction. He was easily forty-five, was wearing sandals with socks, and his stomach bulged over his pants, covering his belt buckle.

Well, he gets zero points for self-description, I thought to myself, disappointed. Stop it. Don't be shallow. And yet, I was. The man didn't slow down. Is he going to run me over? Oh no, don't let him try to scoop me into a hug. Why did I write that I like surprises?

He really didn't slow down, or even look like he saw me. I nearly jumped out of my skin as someone shoved me aside from behind and ran towards Socks Von Fatsandals. They embraced with a crash of laughter, so with profound relief and a small chuckle I looked back towards the entrance.

I blinked; Again and again, over and over. What I saw walking towards me couldn't be real. My heart began pounding and I could hardly breathe. It was Logan.

Logan, wearing my ears.