WORD OF HONOR

Chapter 13 Doubtful comeback

After 2 years, Friday, August 2, I decided to go back Korea.

I went to the seashore right after I arrived at the airport. There where I saw a group playing volleyball.

Being interested, I go nearer to where they are, I watched them while happily and skillfully playing volleyball.

Then the ball just rolled toward me, Dr. Heon ran and tried to catch the ball but he was not able to stop. So he has to pass by where I am.

I know it was Dr. Heon but I did not dare to look at him in the eye. I want to ask him as I really miss him but I miss him too much that even just his shadow is enough to make me happy, knowing he's still alive and okay.

I want to ask him questions but I did not because I was too nervous, I was afraid though I am not sure why I am. I let the cat get my tongue. I just watched him as he get the ball and watched as he goes back to where they are playing.

I realize I love him that much that his mere shadow is enough to make my heart beat faster.

From the day I decided to leave, it's when I started to love him deeply. Never did he know that I was too hurt to leave but I have to because I want to make new good memories. I wish I could disregard what happened before so I thought I have to leave for a while and come back later.

Now that I came back, I want to watch him about where he goes, what makes him happy and what makes him comfortable. He looked and cared for my things for more than a decade and I know I could watch him secretly too as I want to protect him. I want to protect him without his knowledge because it's my way of loving him. I want to feel how to be in love without getting back in return to know it's true love. I want to feel that I love not because I am loved but because I feel I'm in love.

Honestly, I don't know why I love him, but I feel and I know I love him. He's the one I can trust. He's the one whom I feel safe. I know he has also resentments in his life but never did he told me about it. I want to figure it out. I want to know how his life. I know that the more that I will love him when I found out about his life. He has been very silent. I was wrong of thinking only about me, I forgot what is about him. It's not only about me, but there must be something about him.

I want to help him as he was the one to get back the ball again, but I have to stop myself, I have to think about him. I have to give him freedom. I have to give him the confidence of going back and back again and again just like how I am going back again to his life.

Again, I realized it is not having back what I should own, but it is having what I already have and being happy about it and being trustworthy.

Before he could go home that time, I tried to look at him into his eyes but I can't. I can't see his eyes because I am afraid what would he do.

The only thing that I did is to collide his car to my car. I know we might get hurt both, but I decided it's the best way to tell him I'm going back to his life.

Yet, while listening to the siren of the ambulance and to the rescuers, I wonder a lot of things...

What if Dad did not meet his dad and his grandfather?

What if Dad dit not meet my Korean mom?

What if Dad did not kill himself and mom?

What if I and Gi Joon met because of our family event?

What if I met Zaniah when I was young?

What if Zaniah did not chose to be friends with me?

What if President Heon raised me instead of uncle and aunt?

What if Dad chose to go back US instead of dying with mom and me?

What if I did not become a cardiosurgeon like Gi Joon, would our paths still meet?

What if I just stayed at uncle and aunt's province?

What if I died together with mom and dad?

What if I did not try to find about Dad's death?

What if Dad and mom have a poor life?

What if I chose to bury the past?

What if I did not intend to get back our former house?

What if Gi Joon did not care for my valuable things?

What if it's not Gi Joon who took care of my things?

What if I did not own the things cared by Gi Joon for so long?

What if our paths did not cross?

What if Dad was stronger that he was?

What if mom survived and only Dad died?

What if I was adopted by Dr. Heon's parents?

"What if our house was sold to someone else?

"What if I lost my memory when I was shot?

"What if I decided to stay at our house?

"What if I was not 6 years old that time?

"What if I was hated by my aunt and uncle and loved by my cousins?

"What if Dad is not an American tycoon?"

And what if Dad did not love money that much?

What if I stayed in Korea and never went back?

Time passed. I started to lose my consiousness I can no longer find the answer of these questions once I totally close my eyes and ears.  I decided to close my ears and  and I don't know when will I go back. But I'll definitely go back sometime.