Sold

Masquerade

“Now it’s enough!” My dad yells at me while I’m taking a few steps back. I’m afraid. What if he’ll hit me? Of course he won’t hit me. He never laid a finger on me before. But I’m just afraid he’ll lose it all this time and do it. That’s how it started with Alex. I never thought he would ever lay a finger on me, but he did. Now he does it all of the time. So you never know. 

“Your grades are bad, you’re not listening to us, your friends have a bad influence on you, just like your boyfriend and I just don’t know who you are anymore.” He continues.

My mom is standing right next to him. She just nods. She hasn’t said a word. Probably because she agrees. Well then fuck her and my dad too. I roll my eyes at the both of them.

”It’s non of your god damn business.” I hiss because this time I don’t want to hear it. I’m done with their shit. I’m so done.

“It is! We are your parents. You should obey.” My mom says this time, with a soft voice, just like always. “What happened with our daughter? Because you’re not the girl we raised.”

Her words are like knifes cutting right through my heart. It hurts like hell, but I don’t show any emotion. She doesn’t know how much pain she’s causing right now. I kinda wish she knew. She’s killing me.

“You know what?! If this is all you have to say I’m out of here.” I yell this time.

I get up and grab a suitcase out of my closet. It seems like both my parents are speechless because of what I just said. They better just shut up because nothing will make me stay. I thought about this before and I’m sure I want to do this. I’m leaving my parents for Alex, my boyfriend. I’m going to live with him.

Life will be so much better and easier. That’s what he told me. I guess he’s right because it seems like my parents don’t care at all. I mean, look at them. They don’t even try to stop me. It’s obviously, they don’t care. They don’t want me. So it’s better if I leave. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now. After I packed my stuff I look up at my partens. They’re just standing there. The silence is killing me. Without saying a word I leave my room with my suitcase. After I walked out of the house the first tear rolls down my cheek.

Now it’s just Alex and me. Just us.

The tears are rolling down my cheeks while I’m thinking about the past. Thinking about where it all went wrong, when it all started. Because everything starts from something. 

I thought I was strong enough to handle the bad guy, thought I was strong enough to resist him. But I know I’m weak, I know I can’t handle him. Mistakes, that’s what I made. My biggest mistake was to let him in my life. He came to me as a tourist wanting to explore my body, but he never bothered to learn my language.

I’ve learned that life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either. You have to feel. It is the reason why we’re here on earth. We are here to risk our heart. We are here to be swallowed up.

But you know, it was like I was in love with a stranger, because everything about him screams danger. And I thought by myself, how could your love be this dangerous? I’ve been bruised and I’ve been broken. I can’t believe that I put up with all this pain. I’ve been used and I was choking on the promise; I would never fall again.

The arrow shot right through my heart and rocked me to the core. I fell so deep like I had never fell so deep before, but the pain was almost unbelievable. When the end was near, I felt the fear alive.

My past keeps hunting me down, everyday, again and again. But don’t worry, I’m going to find the strength to be the one who holds it all together.

I was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; not the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you can drink because it’s there, because it can’t hurt and, because what difference does it make?

I promised my daddy I would never love a man who spat on my writing, who treated me like I was anything less than a princess, who only remembered my name if he was getting me in bed. But I messed up when I fell for him, because he had everything I wanted but he came with everything I was running from.

I just grew up too quick, went through too much and knew too much shit. That’s why I am here. That’s how I made my way into the prostitution. Because I was that stupid to believe in something like love. My love for you was bulletproof but you’re the one who shot me.

In order to understand I destroyed myself. Loving him was like going to war, cause I never came back the same. I was his curse, but he was my disease. I was saving him, but he was killing me.

When it cuts me up this deep, it’s hard to find a way to breathe. And that moment when I had to take a deep breath before speaking, cause I knew I was so close to crying. That moment was killing me.  

I’ve always been so consumed with spending every minute of my time and very last ounce of my energy fighting for you, that I failed to realize that the person I should have been fighting for all along was myself.

I wonder why I thought love would fix me and make me whole. Cause actually it just left me more broken than before. Now I know feelings never do make sense. They get you all confused. Then they drive me around for hours before they drop me right back where I started.

I find it kinda funny and sad that the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. And I want you to know that because of you my thoughts lead me to dark places.

I was searching for someone whose demons play well with mine. The saddest part is that I knew how casually you’d break my heart. But I let you do it anyway, because you’re the only one who ever made me feel anything.

But it was all a masquerade.

(Thank you for reading and please don't forget to vote and comment if you like the first chapter! Also tweet me if you want to. My twitter is: @beausexbrooks)