How I Feel

Just How I Feel.

I am going to use this as an outlet. I am going to use this as a way to get my thoughts out. I don't expect anyone to read this anyway, but if someone does, I am sorry for any typos. And I hope that this doesn't affect you. And yeah. I am going to use this anytime I feel the need to vent. This will be about how I feel towards myself, towards other people, and just how I feel on the daily. I hope that someone will read this and that they will care enough to talk to me. So I guess this is another way of asking for help. But yeah. It might be everywhere but that is how my thought process is. Sorry if it confuses you. Anyway... This is how I feel...

Ever since I was little, all I could think about was how my family didn't want me. How they treated me wasn't how they should've. How I shouldn't have been born. But I was. Now all I want to do is end it all. I would have but I'm scared. I'm scared that if I fail, my parents would hate me more, that I would lose friends. But what if I succeed, what if I do manage to end it? What would happen then? Would anyone miss me, would anyone care? Would I go to heaven or hell? And even though I feel this way, I hide it. I put on a mask. I don't show my true feelings. I know I should ask for help, and believe me, I have tried but no one fucking listens. My mom doesn't believe me when I tell her something is wrong. My dad doesn't either. I haven't been diagnosed with depression or anxiety. Hell not even for ADHD or ADD. But oh well. No one cares.

To some people, I have a perfect life. I don't but I guess you can think whatever you wan to. they don't know what happens in my life. They don't know how my mom will sit there and make me feel like shit. They don't know that my dad just lets it happen. They don't know that my mom is a lying, cheating whore. They don't know what it's like to be me. They don't know that I get ignored. They don't know that I don't eat at home. They don't know that I cant look in the mirror without being disgusted in myself. They don't know how I feel.

I try to talk to my friends about it, but only one really understands. They understand what it is like to live with people who don' t really care about your existence. They understand what it is like to hate yourself more than anything else in the world. They know what it's like to want to die. I am so glad to have them as my best friend. I am so glad that I have someone to talk to that understands. Glad that I have someone who can tell anything. And I love them. I love that they are always there for me. That they can talk to me about anything.

I also have some else who really important to me. This person is my boyfriend. I love him so much and I don't what I would do without him. I also seem to talk about him alot. I can only talk about him to like two or three people, only because one of my friends don't like him. But he is my everything, my world, my Batman. I know that everyone else normally looks for a Superman, but I'd rather have a Batman. I would rather have someone who has issues than someone who is perfect. I'd rather have someone who can't always physically be there for me, who can't always help. I'd rather have someone who needs someone to lean on, and I want to be that person. And with my boyfriend (who I will call Blue) I can be that person he need to lean on from time to time. Blue has been there for me ever since we started dating, which was almost two months ago. I know we haven't been together for that long but I know that I love him. I know that I want to be with him for very long time. But I don't know if that will happen. You see, here is the thing, Blue has depression, anxiety, and a bunch of other mental health issues. He is also transgender. He has tried to kill himself multiple times before I met him, and twice now after I met him. He likes to make everyone believe that he if okay and that he is happy, but he isn't. I want to be able to help him while he helps me. I want to be thee when he goes through his surgery, when he is first put on testosterone, everything. I want to be there for him through thick and thin.

Now let's talk about my friends. There are three of four friends I can really talk to. One of them (we will call her Ruby) is really awkward. She doesn't really do that well in social activities. But I love her. She is amazing and tries to help in anyway that she can. She also recently got a boyfriend and they are so cute together. Another friend (we will call her Annel) is outgoing and seems really happy, but if you look closely a her you will tell that she isn't, that she has problems at home. Then there is the last one I'm going to talk about we will call her Hannah). I love her like sister and she gets on my nerves like one too. She is amazing and there for me. Though she does get on my nerves, i don't want to trade her in for any one else.

Anyway its getting late and I have school tomorrow. Imma log off now. I will log on tomorrow. Byeeeeee.