The Things That Hurt The Most

Chapter 8; Empty Hearts

I've never been to a funeral in my life before. Sure, I've seen it in movies but I'm sure that that's not what a funeral is like. I've never known the feeling you get when some one close to you dies, not until last night. It was a weird feeling, it felt worse than being ignored by your mother, it felt so bad and made me cry for no reason. I didn't understand the new feeling but I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to become a robot, they didn't have any feelings, right?

In movies, everyone is wearing black and only a few people are crying as they all go to the cemetery where they will bury the dead one. In movies, they all seem to accept this is happening but I just knew that you couldn't accept the death of someone that quickly. I just knew that it took years to get over the death of someone and sometimes you just never truly got over it. In movies, they hug each other and cry on others' shoulders but not everything that happens in movies really happen to us.

In a funeral, there's always black. On any other day people are wearing colorful clothing but I'm different, I'm always wearing black. I've never been to a funeral and I don't plan to go to one anytime soon.

But the thing about funerals is that I don't understand it. Why go cry in some church when you barely know the person? Do you just want to make sure that others go to your funeral by going to other peoples funerals? I don't think that that's how things work, it doesn't make sense for someone to go to a funeral for those reasons.

There were times in the past when I thought about my funeral. I thought about who would show up, and then I realized that I was no one important. I wasn't the popular girl in school and I didn't have any friends which meant that no one would show up at my funeral and I was pretty darn sure that my mom wouldn't even notice I was gone. Maybe the only people that would notice would be Mrs. Chandler but I just knew that it wouldn't matter if I was gone. And sometimes I was fine with that because I knew that there wouldn't be people just showing up at my funeral so others could go to theirs.

I had those times where I just wanted to kill myself but couldn't do it because I was afraid of what would happen to me to me once I did. But I also had those times where I could just jump off a building and not be afraid of anything, like I was done with life and because I just knew that it would make no difference in anyones life except my mom's life but it would be a good difference for her, she wouldn't have to waste any more money on me.

There was a time I almost did. Every other time I would back off because I didn't know what would happen to me once I did but that one time I just couldn't handle it anymore, I couldn't take it anymore I was done having to live this way. I didn't back off because I was scared of what would happen to me, I didn't care about that anymore I just cared about making the pain go away, I wanted the pain gone.

I was about jump off the bridge when I tripped, but I didn't fall forward like I was expecting to, I fell backwards and landed on my back. My back had hit a rock and I just stayed there, laying on the hard ground with a rock on my back, staring at the sky when I had realized that this would be the easy way out. I didn't want to have the easy way out because I would seem weak if I did, I didn't want to jump anymore not only because I was afraid of what would happen once I did but because I had to stay strong because somewhere in the future I knew that things would be better.

Suicide was my way out, but it was an easy way out. Running away was another easy way out although it wasn't as easy as suicide but I didn't have any place to go to. I was stuck here, having to deal with all this. I knew that if I ran away I would be left with nothing and would have to work to get food or anything else I needed and that would be too much for me. But after some more thinking I didn't want to run away or kill myself because I needed to stay here for Aiden, I needed to stay here because Aiden didn't have the chance to stay I did.

So I put up with this because Aiden. I stayed alive only because Aiden didn't have the chance to. I haven't seen my dad since the day they took him away, I don't remember how long he is supposed to stay in jail or when he's coming out but I'm afraid of him.

I'm afraid of my own father, who killed my brother. But this wasn't about him and I'm not being selfish by saying that. I'm just trying to say that I've been hurt but I've been staying alive because these things aren't going to bring me down and tear me apart because I can stay strong.

I won't be having a funeral anytime soon because I am staying strong, for Aiden.

Aiden didn't have a 'proper funeral'. They handed my mom the box with his dead body in it and she cremated him. I never knew what she did to his ashes or if she kept them. I had to stay home when she went to cremate him, I didn't find out who went with my mom or if she was the only one there but I wish I could've been with her through it.

I sometimes feel as if her depression was my fault, I feel like I could've done something, anything to make her a bit happy. If I were able to do that she wouldn't of turned into a workaholic and maybe we could've both fixed our empty hearts. But I didn't do that, I couldn't do that because I was 'too young' and too dumb and too useless to do any of that. Maybe this was all my fault because there was a way I could've stopped this but I didn't.

It hurts me to think that I could've done something to keep this from happening, I could've said something but I never spoke up, never said a word.

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A/N: I feel like my writing is getting crappier :( but I'll try to fix that, I kind of had writers block for part of this chapter which is why it took me forever to write it, sorry! Yup, it's 11:55, 5 minutes before midnight. So yeah, 4th of July and I did nothing. Well, please read: I'm going to Mexico for about a week so I will be leaving the 12th, there's a small chance that I might not update on Friday the 11th and I might return the 21st or 22nd, so there's a HUGE chance that I will not update friday, 18th. Sorry about that too! Anyways, vote? comment? thanks! ^.^