In the said nightmares, I recall my early teenage years, with the traumatic accident that sparked my fear of everyone and anyone.
The night passes quickly, despite the cold sweat and the limb-locking terror that I experience as a memory replays in my unconscious brain. Reliving that scenario over and over again, helpless to prevent it or to change its course. I toss and turn and sweat all night but don't fully wake until the morning light breaks into Claire's room.
I turn on my side and see Claire playing on her phone and smiling, looking over at me when she hears the squeak of the cot as I pivot onto my side.
"good morning sunshine. Sleep well?" she asks, and I nod deceivingly in an effort not to worry Claire or make her feel bad. "Yeah. you?" I ask, my voice hoarse and froggy, my body sore and shaky. I prop myself up and push my hair back from my damp forehead, my hand unsteady. "Yeah. You look kind of like death. You sure you slept okay?" "well. No, actually I didn't really, I had a lot of nightmares." I shrug, trying to appear nonchalant and undisturbed. "Awh, well, i'm sorry." She says slowly. "Nah, it's fine. I will most definitely need to shower though," i laugh, taking into account the fact that I sweat practically the whole night. Claire agrees and in a few moments she shows me how to work her shower, and supplies towels and other such necessary things to me.
After my shower, I step out of the bathroom, wrapped up in a towel, and knock on the door to Claire's room. I hear footsteps down the hall and look, seeing Aaron looking down at me, dumbstruck. I feel a major blush rise to my cheeks and quickly open the door to Claire's room, stepping in under the assumption she's not in there. She isn't, and I get dressed rapidly, stepping out a few minutes later, and making my way to the kitchen to find Claire, and breakfast. Upon entering the kitchen, I find not only Claire, but Aaron, whose cheeks are more red than mine, if that's possible, as he stares down at his feet. Claire greets me and asks me how my shower is, then informs me she's cooking breakfast for her and Aaron and me. I stand near her and nod while she talks about things. She has a wonderful way of talking, continuously and brightly, not really caring if people are listening. It's not annoying though, and she's good about including you in the conversation if you want to get a word in edgewise.
I nod and smile and sneak looks at Aaron, wondering what he thought of the earlier display I put on. I glance down at my body and shrug slightly-- I guess i'm not so bad looking. He seemed interested, in any case. I feel heat rising to my cheeks once again and decide to abandon the thought.
After we eat we make our way to my house to get my backpack and such, and then to school. I feel completely exhausted halfway through the day and realise the nightmares took more of a toll on me than I thought. I force myself to continue and give myself the motivation of going home and sleeping, eventually.
As the school day comes to an end, I leave the building and hop into Claire's car, and she soon takes me to work. I thank her and Aaron profusely for the evening and morning I spent with them, and leave with a giant smile on my face.
Work seems to go blissfully quickly and I walk home speedily in the biting cold. Once I am able, I collapse on my bed and fall asleep within a few minutes. No dreams tonight, though in the morning, waking up is nearly impossible.
* * *
Days pass and the weather gets increasingly colder and more miserable. On a few occasions, I hang out with a couple of Claire's friends, who turn out to be nice. Being in a "group" has always been terribly unappealing, but in practice it's not actually too terrible.
of the group, the girl that has "glommed" onto me the most is a beautiful, tall, fair-haired, fair-skinned, model-like girl named Sophia. Despite her striking looks, she's not very extraordinary. She's not very bright, and a bit shallow, but she's sweet and easy to talk to.
"Don't let go of Aaron. I'm telling you, he's the best guy you'll find in a decade." the comment makes me uncomfortable, but I smile and and nod deeply, as if I take her advice as sacred wisdom. it's no secret to me (or anyone) that she's been into Aaron as long as she's known him, but she's got some hot, jock-like guy at the moment and obviously can tell Aaron's interests are elsewhere. I can't figure out why she's so nice to me-- if our roles were reversed, I'd probably hate her guts.
throughout this time of making new friends and hating the weather, Aaron and I go on a few more dates, and hang out several times a week. We start doing homework together, and I often ask him to read to me.
One night, we're sitting on top of his car, both wrapped in thick blankets, attempting to stargaze. it's cold, so I scootch just inches closer to Aaron, attempting to soak up some of his body heat. No words have been said most of the time we've been out here, but suddenly Aaron clears his throat. It almost makes me jump, but I pivot my head to look at him. he says nothing for a moment, so I turn my eyes back up to the stars. for a few half-expectant moments, the silence is prolonged. Then, Aaron calmly starts speaking.
"Zoe, do you wanna be my girlfriend?" It seems abrupt, almost, but not shocking. I say yes almost instantly. I look over to see Aaron smiling hugely at me. I can't help but smile back, and move a couple inches closer, so that the thick layers of blankets over our bodies touch. I feel the gentle impact on my skin, but feel no negative sensations. Just comfort, and peace.
"Zoe." I turn to him again, looking into his eyes as I reply, my voice soft and low. "Yeah?" "Have you always had your phobia, or did something start it?" The question brings tears to my eyes and I grasp for the words I need.
"It started when I was like, 13. My dad had just left us, we were moving into the place we're living now. I had stepped out of my house for just a moment, looking for my mom. I thought I heard her voice coming from around a corner, so I followed it. There were five, maybe six men standing there, smoking something. I turned back immedietly, but one of them asked me where I was going. I-i started to say I was trying to find my mom, but one of them grabbed me."
I break off here, breathing heavily and sighing. "They. um. I got beat up, and--" My voice shakes, and I hope Aaron can put two and two together as tears roll down my cheeks. "it's okay, you don't have to finish if it's too hard."
I can remember the way each blow felt, the smell each man had. I can remember my screams and the feeling of being thrown on the hard, cold, dirty ground. I remember lying there, motionless, for god knows how long, until my mom found me, picked me up, and carried me, naked, into my house. I was never taken to a doctor, just placed on a bed until I started talking again, days later. I screamed and cried and fought with my mom every day to get us out of here, to go "home." She hardly ever said anything, just left me alone until the outbursts stopped. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, did terribly in school. I saw my mom less and less, and accepted the misery that was now me.
One day it dawned on me that unless I did better in school and made an effort to continue with my life, I'd be stuck there forever. But the damage had been done. everything about me was scarred, from my hands to my mind to my face.
Aaron's arms wrapping around me bring me out of my memories and make me realise i've been weeping freely a few minutes, so i do my best to dry my tears and then set my head down on Aaron's chest. "Sorry, i'm sorry." I say, and Aaron looks at me concernedly. "Please don't be sorry. You've been through hell. never apologize for that." he gently brushes his lips across my forehead, and I shiver slightly, but allow myself to breathe and relax more weightily on his chest, closing my eyes, and pushing the pain to the back of my mind.
* * *
I'm sorry this chapter is so short, and so long in the making!
