MCSM: Shattered Souls [COMPLETED]

21- In Which Jaq and I Run Out Of Hope

"Jess...we're the only ones left." 

I didn't look at her.

"Jesse. You heard me, right?"

"I didn't need to." I murmured in reply.

She straightened up, her voice hardly a whisper as she asked, "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

I didn't know. For some reason, I'd imagined Justin being the one who survived, who got to return home and live his life. It was something in how he'd talked about his friends, his past, that made me feel like he was the one who most deserved to 'win'. He had just seemed so full of life, like he could barely hold it in. Like he'd been the most game for whatever hell was about to be thrown at us.

But now whatever was left of his body rested under the ice, scattered inventory in a nonexistent tomb. 

I became aware of Jaq leveling a piercing stare at me, and I slowly uncurled. My eye level was just about even with her set line of a mouth when I didn't bother to lift my head, and I found myself looking away as I said, "I don't know, Jaq, why are you asking me?"

"Because you're the only person I CAN ask! There is two of us now, after just as many days! How are you not freaking out about this?!" She demanded, and edge of hysteria creeping into her voice.

I felt too weary to reply properly, but I repeated, "I don't know, Jaq. I'm just...I'm just running on adrenaline until it's all over. I can't rest until I know I'm safe, and I can't let this all sink in. I just don't know."

"Yeah, well, Justin was probably 'running on adrenaline' too, and he's not running anywhere now." she snapped, then whirled away from me and started pacing, making large gestures with her hands. "I'm done with this. I'm so, so done with this. I'd rather just fucking die, right now, than continue to be given this bullshit idea of 'hope' and 'winning'. I don't wanna deal with this shit anymore, and the fucking asshat behind it all. And, and, it's not like I even fucking want to go back 'home', especially not without Han! I don't wanna be DOING THIS, I can't DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!"

She was yelling by the end, her voice a dangerous mix of madness and grief. I let out a small sigh. I agreed with most of what she'd said, and was sick of my role as 'the comforting one'.

Jaq folded her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes fiercely at me. "Go ahead, tell me it'll be okay. I dare you."

"I..." Anything I might've said fell apart on its way to my mouth. There was no positive side to this, and anything even relatively comforting would be a bold-faced lie.

She continued watching me with slitted eyes, every second a challenge. I sighed again, feeling more exhausted than I had in a long time. Not as much physically tired, though, as emotionally and mentally weary. I wanted this to be over just as much as she did, even if she was being a bit more extreme about it.

"I can't."

"Can't what." She returned. I finally raised my head to meet her eyes.

"Can't tell you it'll be okay. Can't keep lying that there's a way out of this. Can't keep...I...can't keep dealing with this. You're right."

"Then what are we supposed to fucking do." She repeated.

"Get out of here. Try to beat Entity 303. Probably die in the process, and if not, go home and try to forget about this whole ordeal." The words felt like paper, flat and blank, filling my mouth with emptiness.