Rising From The Ashes

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

My heart is torn to shreds thinking of what might become of my baby girl. (Line 4 of the final entry)

                                                                                                        -Lucinda Jane Waders

I thought that with time it would hurt less. That I would miss him less. I was wrong. The longer it had been since Cameron left, the more I thought about him. It seemed that at all times of the day I was wondering where he was, what he was doing, who he was doing it with. If he was thinking about me, too.

Even with all this weighing me down I knew that I was better off than almost any other girl in our society. They had never and most likely would never get to experience the type of love that I had. I felt sorry for them because of this. All these girls with their easy grins and shallow lives, were missing out on so much. They’d probably always feel that something was missing, some more than others, yet they’d never be able to put a name to it. I pitied them this.

However, they would never know the emptiness I was feeling now either. Even though I know it was worth it, it’s still a feeling I’d rather go without. I wasn’t too sure what to do with myself anymore. I would just wander around listlessly, keeping occupied with the most trivial of things. It’s like I was trying to find a place for myself in my own life and yet I wasn’t fitting. I was becoming more and more depressed unable to snap myself out of it and this led to a recklessness in me that had never been there before. I was beyond the point of caring what people thought or if they became suspicious. Let them be! I just didn’t care anymore about much of anything.

The girls at school had become somewhat scared of me, I think. I was finding it hard to bother with any of them lately as I knew that they wouldn’t have any idea or be able to understand what I was going through. Because of this I was likely to lash out at anyone that bothered me. I didn’t really mean to, but I couldn’t really help it either.

It only took two weeks after Cameron had left for me to be called down to see a guidance counselor at school. Ms. Angelo, or Lindy as she insisted I call her, was a stout, middle-aged woman who sat behind her desk all day waiting for students to have some sort of problem.

“Do you know why you’re here?” she asked and I gave a noncommittal shrug. “There have been some concerns regarding your behavior lately.”

“Yeah, so?” I replied with a raised eyebrow. Even I was beginning to surprise myself on how much I just didn’t care anymore. I never would have talked to a teacher like that before, but my life before felt like a million miles away anymore.

“Is there anything you want to talk about? Trouble at home? Has somebody been bothering you at school? Anything?” Ms. Angelo questioned and I laughed bitterly for a second. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Cameron, but seeing as if I so much as mentioned his name I’d be arrested that wouldn’t be happening.

“Nope. Everything’s perfect,” I muttered in a detached voice.

“Are you sure about that? I’ve heard that you and your friend Sadie had a falling out recently? What happened there?” she continued to pry.

“We had a difference of opinion is all.”

“Regarding?”

“I don’t really think that’s any of your business,” I snapped growing tired of the whole conversation.

“I’m just trying to help you, Kaydance. I can’t if you won’t let me,” she pleaded. I almost felt bad for her. Almost.

“Well, I don’t need any help. Like I told you before, I’m fine.”