Why did I crave their acceptance, why did I keep allowing them to treat me this way over and over again? Was it because I had no other options or that I was so desperate for friendship that I would allow myself to be treated this way.
All questions I didn't have the answer to at the time as it was all I knew, I had the same thing happen in primary school and figured that this was how girls treated each other, or that there was something wrong with me cause I wasn't normal and I should accept what I can get.
Of course I went back into the group, it was much of the same of watching the girls get drunk and the guys take advantage of them in that state, we would get dressed up and try to get into night clubs even though we were underage.
It was kind of thrilling attempting to get into clubs with either no ID or I would steal my sisters ID while we didn't really look alike it was enough to get through when the door way of the clubs where usually poorly lit
There was one night we were going to a club and I thought I looked so hot in my burgundy silk pants that I had "borrowed" from my sister...without her knowledge of course and a tight white shirt for the 90's it was a good look!
I was strutting along the street thinking I was looking fab I was with one of the girls and someone yelled out of their car as they drove passed about how fat I looked, I was gutted, here I was thinking I look hot and in one moment some asshat shattered that feeling.
I never considered myself fat at that time, I wasn't as skinny as the rest of the girls but I was by no means fat! I did have extra weight on me; this came from years of sugar being my only true friend when I had no other friends.
The lollies never judged me for not being normal and always made me feel good while I was eating them, sugar never called me names or made me feel worthless, sugar gave me comfort when no one else did and I could always count on sugar.
It may seem strange but I had created such a dependency on sugar. After many years of stealing money from my parents in order to buy lollies & trying to use it to make friends it became the crutch I would turn to when I needed comfort, it became a habitual need and created a very dangerous habit of comfort eating.
I was always very sporty in my school years so it kept most of the weight off as I was always playing netball or water polo through school or riding my bike around the streets, it wasn't until I had finished school that the weight started to pile on.
Therefore, when you are an impressionable 16 year old & you hear a careless comment from a faceless, nameless creep in the dark you take it to heart and its then you decide that maybe if you didn't eat you would lose weight.
Instead of having the forethought of making healthier choses in the food I put in my mouth I stopped putting food in my mouth all together.
I probably suffered the shortest anorexia battle in history at around 8 weeks, I really didn't enjoy the side effects of not eating, I hated the dizzy spells, fainting, migraines and shaking episodes that were caused by my lack of food and I missed my good friend sugar! I went back to finding comfort in food
Eventually got my first big full time job in an office, working in the back office of one of the biggest banks & was excited to start this next chapter of my life, thinking this is my fresh start with people who didn't know me or my history and that I may be able to find a true friend.
I longed to find someone who I could connect with and who didn't think I was weird or not normal, surely adults in the work place would more mature than school girls right......right?
I started out as and admin assistant in the collections department, lots of filing and sending emails and typing reports into the system, I thought it was awesome and the people in my team were really nice and welcoming.
I was still 16 when I started working there, about 2 months shy of my 17th birthday and I felt like a real adult, I had a nice boss and great work mates who looked out for me, especially one guy he really took an interest in the new girl.
David was a very sweet 27 year old, we sat opposite each other, would chat throughout our workday, and became fast friends, we would have lunch together and enjoyed each other's company.
It was a refreshing change from the nasty bitches I was use to and for the first time in a long time I felt like someone liked me for me. I could tell that he liked more and wanted to become more than friends with me and eventually asked me out on a date.
I felt flattered that someone would want to take me out, I mean me!! I was no one special and was squidgy in the body, I wasn't what I would class as pretty, I never wore make up but he wanted to take me out....me!
Of course my mother was worried about me getting involved with a man 11 years older than me but he came and spoke to her and put her at ease, while my mother thought he was a very nice person she was still dubious as to why he would be want to be involved with a 16 year old
He took very good care of me and it meant that I had someone else to hang out with and didn't have to be alone or with the girls from school, and like all new relationships we spent every spare moment together
We did all the good things that couples do when they first get together and you can't keep your hands off each other, lots of heavy petting and making out sessions where ever we could find some alone time
Sadly, both of us still lived with our parents so it wasn't always easy to steal a private moment with each other, but we made do where we could behind closed bedroom doors or under the blankets watching movies.
Our amorous action progressed to dry humping, under the shirt action, and on several occasions things got a little too heated and David would get a little too excited and be unable to stop the successful conclusion from happening in his pants on a fair few occasions.
As I had never been this close to a guy before or allowed anyone to grind their erection against me fully clothed, I didn't know that there was anything wrong with what happened, however he was always really sorry and embarrassed when it did occur.
It became apparent that he may not be as experienced as you would think a man on 27 would be, he never admitted it nor did I really ask the question but I got the feeling that I may have been his first serious girlfriend.
There are certain things you just feel like you know to be true and the copious amounts of pants he jizzed in was one of the things that may have tipped me off, others were his lack of self-esteem due to a very bad skin condition, eczema, allergies to just about everything & issues with his eyes.
The poor guy had to slather himself with sorbelene cream every day and would suffer badly in all types of weather as his skin would crack and bleed, but I never paid attention to that, it didn't matter to me what he looked like.
I think without even realising it, I tried to make him, self-assured and give him the self-esteem he was severely lacking, so I put all my energies into making him look and feel better about himself.
After a couple of months of dating I felt safe with him and I decided that I trusted him enough to give him a part of me that I would never get back, I decided that he would be the person I gave my virginity too.
It was almost kismet as his parents had gone away and we had the house to ourselves and didn't have to worry about anyone being in the next room and hearing our love making, he tenderly lay me down on the bed and made sure that I was ok before he entered me.
I was a little nervous but I loved him and wanted this, I was also slightly nervous and his manhood was a decent size and was worried it would hurt; he took great care in making sure he took his time and didn't hurt me in any way.
Apart from a slight pinch from the first time he entered me it was a very loving experience, after a few long and slow pumps it was over quicker than expected, but I was glad that it didn't go on to long for the first time.
There is nothing more intimate that sharing a loving sexual experience with someone, it makes you feel connected and loved on a higher level and is the most wonderful thing 2 lovers can share, I'm glad I waited and had that with someone who didn't just want to get in my pants for the sake of it
