I was so excited to be starting a new chapter of my life where the baggage of the past would be left behind and I would finally be able to make friends with a new group of people.
My mother really did try to offer me the best options regarding the choice of high school I went to, sadly I wasn't smart enough to get into the selective school my sister went to so I got the next best option, a private girls school.
Who would have thought a school full of girls would be a bad thing; I can already hear you laughing about that statement!
Again, I don't have much of a recollection of what happened in high school, although I am grateful that social media did not exist when I was at high school as I am not sure I would have survived.
It started out very much like primary school, I gravitated to one person in particular and we had a great friendship until she was shipped off to another school in year 8.
I was friendly with others from my class but it was time again to find a new group of girls to try and fit in with, I was pretty sporty so decided to try and hang with a group of girls that I played netball and water polo with.
Majority of these girls had rose through the grades of the junior school into the high school so had been friends with each other for years, trying to break into that kind of dynamic wasn't easy.
I was an outsider new to the school and didn't have the history with these girls, luckily they allowed me into their inner circle and I finally felt that I had found a good core of friends....how wrong I was
I always found it hard to relate to people my own age as I wasn't really interested in what they were, I wasn't watching the trendy shows on TV at the time, I didn't have designer clothes or listen to the type of music they were, the movies I were watching weren't always the latest release movie at the time.
I tried to relate as best I could with what little knowledge I had on what they would talk about, I made sure I started listening to their type of music or watch what they were watching on TV at the time.
No one I knew had watched the movies that I loved to watch, I couldn't find anyone who knew what the Rocky Horror Picture Show was or anyone who had heard of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, my parents told me to call it the best little warehouse to avoid suspicion on what they were letting me watch
I tried to fit in and look like them by dressing in similar clothes, but I was always a little off beat in my attempts, I was just so desperate to fit in that I would change whatever I could about myself to ensure they accepted me.
For a time it seemed to be working, that is until at some point in year 8 I got chicken pox, I had 2 weeks off school while I recuperated and was no longer contagious.
I felt a little sad that no one called me to see why I wasn't at school or to check on my wellbeing, but I never really paid too much attention as to why, I was excited to get back to school and see my friends again.
I walked into school and went to my locker to drop off my back and collect my books for my first lesson, as I was at my locker there was another class mate by her locker, while we didn't run in the same circle we were always friendly with one another.
As I was sorting out my locker I hear her say "Ugh Ana is back....great" I thought this was odd and giggled and said "yep all better now" she just laughed and walked away, I thought to myself what was that about.
I set out to find my friends and let them know I was back after being sick, only to find out that I had been ostracised from the group. What had I done? I hadn't even been at school so how could I have upset someone!!
It was like a scene from mean girls and the Regina George of the group informed me that I couldn't sit with them, rejected and hurt and confused as to what I had done I was back to being on my own again.
It was like déjà vu, cast out again for no apparent reason, and so it went for some time I was a pariah no one would talk to me, to this day still don't know why.
I cant really remember how it happened but at some point I was allowed to re-join the ranks of the group and accepted back into the fold and once again tried to fit back in.
It kind of ebbed and flowed, I was either in or I was out usually without cause or knowing why. I know that more things went on and I was in and out of that group more times than I care to count for whatever transgression I had done.
When I wasn't part of the inner circle I fell back into old tricks of trying to make friends with any new girls to the school or handing out with girls in younger classes, it filled the gap until I was accepted back.
I filled my time at home watching fantasy TV shows that help me escape the reality of school life, for just a moment I didn't have to worry about who was going to hate on me at school, or what names my sister was going to call me because I didn't fit her mould of "normal".
I always envied the people on TV who had great relationships with their siblings, or people in real life that I knew who had great relationships with their siblings, I was even envious of my mother's relationship with her sister and how close they were.
I longed for that with my sister, to her I was the stupid fat cow or the idiot or the moron! She would always say why couldn't I just be "normal" what the heck did that mean? Who decided I wasn't normal?
Maybe that is why I could find any friends....I wasn't normal, it would answer a lot of questions as to why no one liked me, even my own sister didn't like me, there must be something wrong with me. Therefore, I tried to be like everyone else.
I tried my hardest to fit in with everyone thought "normal" was, I hated to go to school cause who knows what would happen from day to day, I kept to myself at home, as I didn't want to be yelled at and called names by my sister.
As I got older, I was given leeway by my parents and allowed to be over at the girls from schools houses, it really became apparent how different I really was!
We generally all congregated at one girl's house; we will call her Regina J. Her mother worked at a pub and would often not get home to the early hours of the morning if at all. Everyone could drink and smoke without any issues.
And boy did they drink and drink and drink! I tried to join in but never really enjoyed the feeling I got from drinking in excess, I did smoke cigarettes and I thought I was coolest.
There was always a group of teenage guys at her house, although I don't know how she knew them and never questioned their existence, it was just the norm. So I did my best to fit in.
