Blend the Light

Anyone Wanna Run?

It must be early morning when I cannot stay asleep any longer and I fall into a shallow slumber. My ear twitches and I jerk awake, drawing in a huge breath. My heart is beating at a million miles an hour and I can feel a thin sheen of sweat coating my fur. I close my eyes, trying to calm my racing hears and my heaving lungs. "A-Arrow?" A small voice murmurs.

"Who- oh, hey, Hawk. How are you doing?"

"I could ask you the same question." Hawk smiles.

"You could." I reply, chuckling.

"So?"

"I'm doing alright. How about you?"

"I'm doing alright as well. I have this really weird feeling, you know? I just don't quite think you're answering my question completely honestly... You're panting, you're sweating, and you look like you just saw a ghost." Hawk tilts his head to the side, frowning.

"I, uh, had a nightmare." How am I supposed to tell him that it's the Wasteland battle this evening? I'm the number one Gladiator, I can't just say that I can no longer kill anyone, that it's killing me, that for over half my life I've been murdering and it's finally taking its toll. How do you say that?

"How do you say what?" Hawk looks at me, confused.

"Huh?"

"You whispered that." Hawk frowns and cocks his head to the side.

"I- er..." My voice trails off.

"Should I not have heard what you whispered to yourself?"

"You don't know anything except for 'how do you say that' so I think I'm good." I can't let anything like this happen again.

"Well, about that... You sort of quietly murmured everything." Hawk shifts on his paws and winces. I'm on him in an instant, pinning him to the wall of my cave and shoving my face in front of his. My teeth drip saliva onto his cheeks and muzzle. Fire burns in my eyes. "If you tell anyone this, I will torture you at each and every chance I get. The exact same as when I told you about top Gladiators. You understand?"

"Yeah, can I ask a question?"

"Depends on what it is." I reply slowly.

"What did you mean when you said 'it's finally taking its toll'?" Hawk tilts his head to the side, his eyes calm. I freeze. I can't speak. I can't say anything. I can't tell anyone. I'm trapped. What if a guard finds out? I could be killed. They could turn me to one of the berserk Gladiators. That can't happen. I open my mouth to speak. Hawk sees my response. "You don't have to speak. I'm here for you though. Jay is too. He'd kill me if I didn't help you. He really looks up to you, Arrow. We've seen the videos of you fighting; they're everywhere so everyone watches. I don't know if everyone sees this, but we've seen how you only fight those who attack first and how you refuse to kill anyone who surrenders. You cover it up so well with a few smooth words. I really admire that about you, Arrow. If you don't want to talk, I won't push you. But, please, remember, I'm here for you."

"O-ok. It's just... It's just that I can't kill anymore." I can't keep this secret for any longer. Sure, I've just met these two Gladiators but for some reason, I know they're not going to hurt me. I've tried to keep in all this, but I can't keep it down any longer.
"Alright, I'm not sure that I follow. You can't kill or you won't."

"Both. There's so much blood on my h-paws. I don't even want to know half of those I've killed. There's too many to count in a thousand lifetimes. All those I've killed haunt my dreams. I see them every day. You know how hard that is? Seeing the faces you kill every day? They think I like winning. That I like the points and bathe in the glory of winning. That I look forward to it and train endlessly to hone my skills or something. I don't. I hate it. I train to try to get my mind off the fact that I've murdered. I can't kill the Clicks so I don't think twice about it. The Wasteland guards treat me differently. Fawn over me, treat insignificant wounds while letting others suffer, this one guard made me a really nice meal since I killed Tremor in record time. He's nice but I don't need that. I never use the points. Sure, I'm going to get a new set of armor but for the next however many years I'm here, I won't use any. This whole thing is just so, so, so messed up." My sides tremble as I whimper, silent tears rolling from my cheeks. Hawk doesn't say anything or react.