Hades, the lord of the Underworld, has finally been allowed to leave his palace, and what could possibly be better than to take his wife to a ski resort? She hasn't seen snow since forever.
Hades has been longing for a vacation.
But this vacation...
Those had been the taunting words of my brother, Zeus when I was sent to the Underworld to be its master. But what he never expected was the fact that humans could technically fly now and that I was leaving. Who cared if humans could only fly with the help of aeroplanes? It still counted.
I had no idea what to do, other than packing up the wife, the dog and getting a house up above. I felt like the sun hadn't shined on me for aeons.
So, someone had to take over for me. I chose my two nephews, Phobos and Deimos, leaving them in charge while I took a much needed vacation. A vacation I wasn't sure I ever wanted to end. Nothing could go wrong!
***
But it did go wrong. I had gotten us a cabin at a ski resort in the Swiss Alps, thinking Persephone would love to see snow again, her being in the Underworld while it was autumn and winter. But the resort hadn't said anything about them not allowing dogs in the hut. So we had to be relocated to another hut which ground my gears to no end. Standing in the information, watching the queue trail past us slower than a Cyclops made me almost lose my mind.
And it smelled like feet and farts here. There was a poster on the wall with the words The best trip of your life starts right now printed on it.
I hoped it started right now. I was already tired of being on vacation right about now.
"Excuse me but-" I tried.
"Sir, please, wait your turn!" the information lady interrupted, not even sparing me a glance.
I clenched my fists. What an insolent little maggot, interrupting the lord of the Underworld like that!
"I've paid for a service here!" I growled.
"Sir, please. Wait your turn!" she just repeated.
I was so perplexed I sat down on the grey plastic seats bolted to the wall. Her red nails waving in my face had stunned me to silence. I needed this woman in the Underworld. I bet she could calm the souls down immediately if they got rowdy. I wouldn't even need Rhadamanthus, Minos and Aiakos to sort the dead's designated resting place. I'd just need this woman. Or maybe station her in Tartarus. I couldn't think of a punishment worse than this.
***
We finally, after four hours of waiting, got allocated to a pet-friendly hut. Persephone still hadn't lost her good mood, but both Cerberus and I were cranky. I wanted to just go walk my dog and clear my mind.
I let him out of the cage, two of his heads snapping at each other, while the third happily panted in my direction, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.
"Behave," I muttered at the two fighting heads. They all got a treat, collars and leashes on and we were on our way.
I had never felt cold quite like this before. It gnawed into my bones, cooling me to my core. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my long coat, white clouds coming out of both mine and my dog's mouth, making us look like steam engines. The mountains loomed over my head, and I felt claustrophobic, as the snow just dulled all sounds around me.
"Yo, bro. What kind of dog is that?" someone asked, making me stop.
I looked up to find a couple of teenagers in ski gear and snowboards under their arms, staring at Cerberus.
"It's a hellhound," I replied, pulling on the leash to get the three-headed dog away from the humans.
"It's uggo as fuck, man. You should put that down!" the teenager said and high fived his friend.
I was stunned into to silence as the teens laughed and left me alone with my dog in the snow. I looked down at him, petting one of his heads. No one would ever say something like that in the Underworld.
***
"Alright folks, today we're gonna learn how to ski!" the overly excited ski instructor said and applauded himself. The other people around me made a half-hearted attempt at clapping too. Persephone was the only one who clapped wholeheartedly.
"I can't wait to get on the slopes," she whispered all excitedly.
I grumbled a bit. I was not looking forward to the slopes. And I was less excited when it turned out I couldn't stay upright for longer than a minute. The instructor even left everyone to help me.
"You've got to just trust your instincts, pal. It'll all come to you!"
And I kept trying. But at the end of the day, I was sore all over and I couldn't be arsed with this anymore. Maybe after-ski was really my scene?
***
After-ski was not my scene. The music was absolutely horrific and all of the drinks did absolutely nothing for me. I missed my nephew's homebrew. Dionysus knew how to get a god drunk. Persephone was enjoying the karaoke though. She was a lovely singer so she did save the disastrous day from having a horrific end. When we came back to the hut, Cerberus had torn everything apart in his boredom. Almost the entire hut was filled with pillow stuffing, the curtains were torn and he was halfway through eating the armchair when we entered.
And that was finally the last straw.
"Phonee, pack your bags. We're going home," I said, feeling so done with the mortal world.
I'd rather swim in Styx than stay here for a moment longer.
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