The Sun Is Also A Star - Maybe One Day

3 | Natasha

Somehow, I manage to convince Daniel's neighbor to exchange seats with me, so that I can stay with Daniel for the ride.
It makes me feel so good to chat with him again. I haven't forgotten how simple and natural it is, or the fact that he always finds something interesting to say. So I learn he still writes poems, and studies English at the Hunter College. And with that, everything comes rushing back. The music shop. The restaurant. The karaoke. His parent's afro shop. His brother. The fight. The goodbye... It overwhelms me, and I can see he's having a bit of a hard time too.
So I focus on what I can establish, determine : His hair is short, which really suits him well, and his bum is always as sexy. That thought makes my cheeks burn, and when he sees it, he asks :

- What ?
- Nothing, I answer, embarrassed.

He still looks at me with a twinkle in his eyes, and I know he's not convinced. But instead of insisting, he lets it go with a sigh.

- And how's your family ? Your father ?
- He's better, I guess, I say vaguely, not wanting to get into details.
-And your brother, um... Peter ?
- He's well too, I say, dreading the next question.
- Okay... How about your mother ?

I flinch. It has been a while since mom passed away, but still the memory of her and what she had to endure for us makes my heart bleed. Daniel is waiting for my answer, so I pull myself together and reply with an even tone.

- She... she's dead.
- Oh !

An embarrassing silence settles as we both try to fix this gap that has been created between us. I can almost touch it... How much we have loved each other or how much we want to doesn't mean we haven't become strangers. So much has happened, we couldn't possibly catch up. But I will try. I know Daniel and I aren't the same anymore, and maybe I'm just clinging to the image of the passionate boy I once knew, but I don't want to give up. I just loved him too much. Once.

Daniel must've been having the same thoughts as me, because his next question was if I had a boyfriend.

- No.. I'm single, I answer, already regreting my lie.
- Yup, me too, he says.

His genuine smile made me remember how he used to make my heart beat faster and my ears blush. And I wish it always did, but... no. I don't feel anything ! Doubt, fear and discomfort dance in my spirit. My whole life I have waited for this moment, this unrealistic, with-very-little-percent-chance-of-happening moment. Can you imagine that ? With all my might I was hoping to find him again, and now that I have... What am I supposed to feel, to think ? I expected dumbly to have no doubt on us, but how should I ?

- Anyway... what are you doing in New York ? He asks me, interrupting my train of thought.
- I'm just visiting an old friend... He once came to Jamaica and since then we've always kept in touch.

I don't say more. Just :

- And you ?
- Well, I'm coming back from visiting my parents in Korea and I'm invited to my brother's wedding.
- Your... brother ? But I thought you don't talk anymore, I say, confused.
- Yeah, well, on the phone he clearly wasn't happy, saying it was his fiancée who insisted on our coming.
-Oh...
- That someone has so much power over my brother scares me and makes me bow in respect... I already like her.

The boyish grin stretching his lips makes me laugh.
And there they go, the fear, the doubt, and everything else. They don't belong here. Actually, it doesn't matter. Because whatever happens, I will never lose Daniel again. Or so I thought.