In her mind ~Watty's 2018~

~1~

"Depression is the inability to construct a future"

-Rollo May 

Life for little Maria had not been easy, she was born into a family too big with parents whose hearts were too little. They never had enough love for their children meaning, she never had enough. Things were alright when she was young, her family seemed happy enough from the outside. But as most will tell you that happiness does not last. 

As she grew older her mind started to fracture and splinter in ways she couldn't describe except as, a new voice, a new personality sprouting its roots in her mind. She thought it was nice, a simple voice that told her what to do and how to act, but as she grew and started to understand things she came to understand that this voice did not, in fact, have her best interest in mind. 

By the time she was 10, this voice had managed to shave Maria's confidence down to nearly nothing and had managed to take her already fragile mind from barely there to completely shattered.

When she was 11 she finally gave her voice a name: Karen.

Karen got worse as Maria grew older, sowly making Maria's mind shatter a little more, piece by piece. Maria had begun to hate herself. She started to look at everything wrong with her instead of the good things. And then the good things turned bad in her mind, things she used to cling to suddenly were things she hated. And it was all Karen's fault.

~~~

Maria sighed as she woke up one sunny morning to light streaming in through her curtains and filling the room. "Noo." She whined to no one in particular. The truth is that Maria loved these moments, the moments before you finally open your eyes. Everything feels like a dream. Like anything is possible. Despite hardly sleeping that night she smiled, this was the only time she could smile, Karen had not yet invaded and all was peaceful.

 'Another day in a world you don't belong in.' Karen's voice rang through Maria's head, making the small smile disappear almost immediately. "Hello, Karen." Maria's monotone voice filled the air, her mood sinking immediately. 

'Hello, Maria. Still breathing is see? That's a shame.' Karen smugly said, seemingly pleased with the mood she had put Maria in. 'Time for school~' Karen sang as Maria sat up and swung her legs off the bed, standing up on shaky legs. 'Aww, whats wrong? Your body a little weak?'. Maria decided to ignore Karen and focus on getting ready. 

'Tch. Hiding them again?' Karen spoke up as Maria pulled a long-sleeved shirt on, the sleeves covering up the numerous scars that littered Maria's arms, some of them deeper and larger than the others. Some were old and fading, while others were fresh and still had scabs. 'I love them, they show how weak they are.'. Karen spoke as Maria stared at herself in the mirror.

'Disgusting.' Was the only thing Karen said as Maria took in her appearance. She was slightly skinnier, and her skin was a bit paler. It looked as if her skin was pure white, the only thing of color were the dark purple bags hanging around her eyes. She sighed, a single tear falling from her eyes. 'Time to go.' Karen reminded Maria, as the yellow bus pulled up outside. 

~~~

A soft sigh escaped Maria's lips as she stared out of the window of the bus. The way the windows shook was soothing to her, the coolness of the vinyl was all somehow comforting and homely to her. Karen was never present on her rides to school, she never needed to be. Maria's insecurity said everything Karen did and more. Despite having managed to survive all these years with a voice in her head, Maria had never let it slip. She never told anyone what she heard or what Karen told her. 

 'Another day in hell' Karen cheerfully said. Karen was awful during the day, constantly distracting Maria and making her second guess herself. She was there, whispering in her ear as Maria made her way down the hallway. She was there in math class and in PE, telling her what she was messing up, what she fucked up. Karen rarely left, she rarely gave Maria a break.

Marie whimpered as she stood in the line at school, a lunch tray in her hand as she looked at the overworked and underpaid ladies behind the counter, each of them rolling their eyes as Maria shook her head at each option, eventually settling on an apple and a bottle of water. 

'God are you serious? You're already fat why the fuck are you eating?' Karen kissed when Maria sat down in the back of the lunchroom. "I'm starving.." Maria mumbled to her mind, making sure no one could hear her. 'And for good reason! You are disgusting and worthless. You can't even starve yourself properly. Why are you this weak?'

"You're right," Maria mumbled, tossing her apple in the bin now as she opened the bottle of water. 'Aren't I always? You're gonna have to punish yourself for that. You should know better.' Karen barked, making Maria look down at her arms, a silent sob raking through her body at the thought of the pain she'd have to endure tonight.

Karen was silent for the rest of the day, not that Maria noticed. She was too busy stressing over tonight and how she was going to do it. How she was going to hurt herself tonight. Would she take some pills, would she burn her legs or cut herself? She had no idea. But she knew Karen would be excited, she knew Karen would force her to do it the second she was home. And she hated it. She hated how happy Karen was to see her bleed, to see her in pain.

But it wouldn't stop. Karen never stopped.