Electric Moonlight Shuffle

6. Rude Boy

How To (Accidentally) Get Cast in an Electric Moonlight Music Video:

Step 1: Ignore the Surgeon General's warning on your Marlboro Reds and smoke when bored anyways.

Step 2: Become bored—thanks to partaking in a certain scheme from a certain hopelessly romantic best friend of yours—and require a 6:30 a.m. smoke break.

Step 3: Never clean out your purse, so that it resembles a black hole more than a purse.

Lose your cigarette lighter in the depths of the aforementioned Black Hole.

When Jason Moon notices your purse has eaten your lighter and offers to light your cigarette, say "Yes."

Step 4: Play it cool.

Join Jason Moon on the bottom step, where he sits, also smoking a Marlboro Red. Bond over your distaste for all things menthol and your superficial similarities.

When Jason actually takes his lighter out, smile to yourself because it's just a plastic pink gas station lighter, but make no comments about expecting him to have something fancier because he's 'famous.' DO NOT drop that F-word at all.

Step 5: Make him come to you.

When he puts the pink plastic lighter to the tip of your cigarette, lean in as little as possible (four inches or less). You should be close enough to smell his wrist, which is delightful, but not so close as to encroach in his space. Lean back promptly. He will (subconsciously) scoot two inches closer to you.

Then compliment his tattoos, but don't linger. There is a tiger eating a phoenix on his shoulder, while the phoenix explodes like confetti into approximately one billion colors. Use the opportunity of complimenting his tattoo to (gently!) touch his shoulder. Do not let your fingers linger there for too long. Keep the touch cool, casual, playful. Then fold your hands in your lap, to resist the urge to continue touching him.

Step 6: Playfully fuck around.

Tell him: "I've never seen you here before. Are you new?" He will play along, and tell you that he's a transfer student from Australia. You suspect he knows you're kidding.

Keep the ball rolling by asking: "Are you here for detention too?" He will laugh, say yes, and comment about how he's a "delinquent already" but he doesn't mind because "it's kind of like the Breakfast Club."

Step 7: If he makes a bad joke, don't laugh just because he's a rock star.

Ex: When you compliment his Gucci slides, he will say: "Thanks, I got them from my drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all night." This joke is not funny. Most people laugh at this totally lame attempt at a joke because Jason Moon is famous, and think he is therefore funny. This is not true. His jokes are no better than yours or mine. In fact this particular joke is probably a lot worse than mine and yours.

When you don't laugh at his lame-ass joke, Jason Moon will be delightfully refreshed that you did not laugh at his lame-ass joke, and will scoot two inches closer to you. He will smell divine. Resist the urge to lean in and tear his v-neck off his delightfully-scented body.