Pain. Pain. The past six days all I have felt is pain. The doctors ask me what my pain level is on a scale from one to ten and my answer is always the same. Ten. Its always a ten. I can't feel anything else. I'm allowed to leave. Allowed to go home. But I feel like I don't have a home anymore without him. Pain. All it is is pain.
Six days.. It has been six whole days.
"Eliza? Come on honey its time to go." I am snapped out of my thoughts when my mom says this. I look at her and she smiles. A sad smile. One I don't return. I stand up and grab my phone. Then I sit down again and rub my forehead. "Sweetheart are you hurting?" my mom asks. Of course I'm hurting I lost the love of my life. I lost the love of my life. Damn. I hate that sentence.
Six days.. It has been six whole days.
"Yes it hurts." I manage to say in response as I keep my head in my hands. My voice sounds weak and distant. Faded and rough. I don't know who I am anymore.
"Is it physical pain or emotional Eliza?" my mom asks me as she sits down next to me. Pain, mom its pain! Okay?
"I do not know anymore." I respond in my voice that is really not mine at all. I look up at the painting on the wall. Its of blue flowers. The one next to it of blue birds. Blue. Blue. His eyes were blue too.
Six days.. It has been six whole days.
My mom looks at me and shakes my shoulders. "Eliza let's get out of here it's no good for you." she says persistently.
No good for me? It is the room I was in last when I thought he was still breathing. It's something to me.
I get up again and start walking to the door. It's more of a shuffle. I look around the room one more time as a tear falls down my cheek. "No more crying Lizzie" he would tell me.. But I can't stop I haven't in six days. I turn to the door and walk out of the room. I feel cold and I pull my sweater around me tighter.
I hear my mother walking behind me. Close behind but keeping her distance. When we get to the lobby I see my dad and step sisters along with my step mother sitting in the waiting area. They look up at me. My dad smiles the same sad, unreturned smile as my mom. My step mother looks me up and down, purses her lips and looks back at her phone. My step sisters sit there and chuckle, probably joking about how broken I am. How I will not ever be myself again. Judgmental. They are all so judgmental. They don't know what it feels like.
Six days.. It has been six whole days.
"Hi honey. We are all set to go! You can stay in our guest room for a while until you feel ready..." my dad stops talking as I glare at him.
"Dad, I am fine on my own. I want to be alone right now." I snap at him. Its the most words I've said in five days. Alone... Alone. I do not want to be alone. I certainly don't want to be with my step family. I certainly don't want to be alone. I want to be with one person right now, one person only.
"Momma, can't I stay with you?" I ask tearing up again. No. It is not my mom I want to be with but at a time where I cannot be with him, I want to be with my mom.
"Eliza, yes I just thought you would want to be surrounded with more people right now." my mom says this as she tucks hair behind my ear. I shiver. He used to do that too. I found it annoying but now I miss it.
Six days.. It has been six whole days.
"Come on Eliza, I already have you checked out." my mom says as she rubs my shoulders and starts walking. Although annoying and self centered, my mother seems to know that right now I need her to do what she doesn't always do best, I need her to be my mom.
