I looked in my full length mirror at my reflection. My blonde hair contrasted too much with the back dress I was wearing. I pulled up my hair and pinned it all into a neat bun. A vague memory of him saying he liked it down flashed through my head. I pulled the pins out and let my hair flow around my shoulders. I looked in the mirror again. I put more concealer over the bags under my eyes. I didn't put much makeup on. I have no one I am trying to impress. Especially at a funeral.
I hear my mom knock on the door, telling me its time to leave. I touch my fingertips against my reflection. "Who are you?" I find myself saying aloud. I sigh and smooth my dress. I walk out the door and to the living room where my mother is waiting for me.
"Is Macy coming?" I ask my mom. She looks at her shoes and shakes her head. "It isn't her fault. She should stop feeling guilty." I say meekly as I wander to the front door and to the car.
A whole week has gone by. Sammy's parents postponed the funeral until I was out of the hospital. Part of me wishes that they had it whilst I was in and out of sleep and burn treatments so I wouldn't have been here. Burying the man I love most.
Macy, my sister, has felt guilty ever since the day of the incident. She feels that if I had never come to see her to ask her to be my maid of honor it wouldn't have happened. My pastor tells me it would have happened anyways because it was destined to and that Sammy had to go.
I am coping. I repeat words and I repeat sentences that help me remember he is gone. I count the days that have gone by. I haven't slept in days because I always want to see the time read 9:32 in the morning.
As we arrive at the funeral home I feel a knot in my chest. I should leave I cannot do this. As we parked my mom looked over at me. "Eliza, I know it will be difficult so if you need to leave early everyone will understand." she says as she grabs my hand.
I turn to her and squeeze her hand. "I'm staying." I say as I feel the tears already sting at my eyes.
We walked in and I see so many people I know. All gathered around a casket. His casket. I make my way to the front of the room and I walk towards the casket.
Once I am there I take in the scene around me. Samuel's parents are standing nearby talking to a friend of his I recognize. His mom clutches a tissue and his dad clutches his mom. I look on the other side of the casket and see flowers piled up by a painting of Sammy. One of the ugly ones that you can tell is for a funeral.
I step forward again as I take in a sharp breath of air. I feel all the eyes in the room on me and I gently reach out and place my hand on the casket. I close my eyes and tilt my head backwards.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
The smell of the flowers fills my nose. I knew I hated flowers for a reason.
I feel tears glide down my cheeks as I tear my hand away from the casket. I place the same hand over my heart and it stays there. I grab the necklace around my neck. I play with it as I stand still in front of the casket.
I feel hands on both of my shoulders as someone whispers to me, "Everyone is watching you, and you are making it pretty hard to look away." I recognize the voice as I turn around and snake my hands around his back.
"Justin." I basically whisper out. He hugs me back and it takes me back to a time when the three of us would hang out. Always joking about who gave a more intense bear hug. Although I love Justin's hugs, I would much rather have Samuel's bear hugs right now. The kind that lifted me off my feet.
I pull away from Justin and look up at him. "You flew in from Delaware." I say to him.
"Samuel was my best friend. You are my best friend. I couldn't not be here Eliza." he responds delicately.
