Spectrum

Part One: THIRTEEN-Tar

THIRTEEN

Tar

Only a year from now, when everything truly fell apart.

It’s lunch Wednesday afternoon, and I’m sitting alone. Sarah--whom we no longer call Sarah C., not since the other Sara moved last year--is out sick today. Jade, our sketchy new friend, took one look at me and seated herself with the populars. With Evelyn. I should have known she only tolerated me because of Sarah.

Miserable, I bite into my apple, uncomfortably reminded of Snow White’s fate. I’ve been doing so well, I think. This is...a huge step back.

But I refuse not to make my thirteenth year the best yet.

Last week was my birthday, and I made a resolution, even though it’s March, nowhere near New Year’s. I vowed to have fond memories of thirteen when I’m older. So I grit my teeth as I toss my apple core into the trash can near my table, muttering, “This will only happen once, so get over it. Just because my table was empty today, it doesn’t mean it’ll always be that way.” My words sound a little harsh, even though I’m saying them to myself, but they jolt me out of my sadness.

With a sense of finality, I zip my lunch box and stand up. But I don’t feel like lining up outside today. There’s a thin crust of snow on the ground, and I have on a T-shirt without a jacket. So I stand here awkwardly, watching other kids file out of the cafeteria. I plan to dash outside at the last possible second.

...Go...doesn’t matter how cold it is, you’ve got to go...now!...

I sit back down and stare forlornly at the tar-black stone on my ring. Daddy always buys me a special piece of jewelry for my birthday. This is my favorite one by far.

“Hey, Alanna,” Jade says.

I jump. I didn’t notice her prowling toward my table. Heart pounding, I glance up. Of course Jade isn’t the only one sitting across from me.

Evelyn smirks.”Sitting alone? Too bad.” Her long, glossy brown hair sways hypnotically. She plants her elbows on the table and leans forward.

“Did you have fun with Jade?” I say softly.

Jade’s pupils are too large. They’re tar-black orbs with a thin ring of green. Her expression doesn’t match those innocent infant eyes; it’s aloof and smug. “Oh, yeah. We had lots of fun.”

“Nice ring,” Evelyn says suddenly.

I twirl the ring so the stone faces my palm, then close my fingers over it. “Thanks. My dad gave it to me.”

Something glitters in Evelyn’s eyes at the word “dad.” It couldn’t be a tear. Evelyn is incapable of crying. She blinks hard and says, “Well, to be honest, it doesn’t match your outfit.”

“Doesn’t black go with everything?”

“Pastels don’t go with black. Duh,” Jade says.

White shirt. Pale blue jeans. Tar-black ring. They don’t match?

I bite my lip and slip my ring into my pocket. “Now do I look okay?”

Evelyn sighs. It’s such a maternal sound that she must want to help me, right? “Okay, if you want my opinion? Honestly? You should grow out your hair.”

“Why?”

“It makes your face look too round, which is bad because you’re already kind of chubby. Like, you don’t even have a thigh gap.”

Each word hits me like an anvil. Beautiful, precious child, I think desperately. Beautiful...fat... “You’re--you’re not saying I’m ugly.” I’m forcibly reminded of second grade. Memories long-forgotten are now crystal-clear.

Evelyn slowly, deliberately nods. That nod burns in my mind.

“To be honest, yeah,” Jade says in a gentle tone that doesn’t match her words.

I used to think Jade was my friend. If friends “hafta” say you’re pretty, what does it mean if they don’t?

My face on fire, I hug my lunchbox to my chest and run--run--outside.

“Alanna? Are you okay?” someone asks as I bolt past her. I vaguely connect the person’s voice to Lisa, the quiet redhead I’ve known since second grade.

I don’t answer. My lips might as well have frozen in the frigid air. It’s so cold that my fingertips go numb.

Even so, I should have gone outside when I still has a shred of confidence.

I feel weak, falling apart like this. I feel unloved. I feel fat.

I feel ugly.