20 Reasons Why We Met

Reason #6: Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I can feel the cold cement ground. I can feel the blood gushing out from the top my head, where a a cut had been so beautifully sliced into my skin, right on top of my eyebrow.

That sounds great, doesn't it?

I could feel another wound on my right eyelid. Thank the gods the impact of the car was not strong enough to touch my eyeball. If the driver just sped a little bit faster, I think I'll be blind in one eye.

"Hey! Are you okay?" I heard a gruffy voice say into my ear.

Um, let's see. I just got knocked down by a car, I'm lying on the ground with a deep cut above my eyebrow, I almost lost an eyeball, I'm literally paralyzed right now, and I am most definitely about to die. Yep! I think I'm completely fine.

"Hey! Don't stare into the sky creepily like that! Say something kid!" the gruffy voice of the same man gripped my shoulder, hard. Freaking hard.

Um, sure. But, maybe just go away for a little bit? I really want to die in peace.

"Hey! I'm leaving if you ain't saying anything!"

Hmm... but if I really wanted to die in peace, it wouldn't be like this. It would be having Alexa beside me, and telling me that she'll cry buckets of tears for me.

Yeah. That sounds more like peace.

"Kid, don't say I didn't try to help you!"

Oh shut up! I'm trying to imagine what a peaceful death would really be like with my inside voice! Your gruffy voice isn't really helping man. Maybe a sweeter, more soothing, more kinder voice would really set the mood. A voice belonging to a nice person. A voice belonging to Alexa.

"SLAM!" and away with his murderous car, the man with the gruffy voice left.

Finally, some peace and quiet.

Now I could really lie here and imagine what it would really be like to have a peaceful death.

I close my eyes, and my brain begins to work. I see a pitch-black area. But, I'm all alone. No sign of Alexa. No sign of Amelia. No sign of mom. No sign of even the bullies in school.

I was all alone. I guess this is what a peaceful death is all about. Being really up close and intimate with darkness, a very old friend of mine.

I have a darkness inside. And I hope it stays there.

"WEE WO WEE WO!"

Oh come on! Sirens! An ambulance is here? Man, I was really hoping I could get out of this world, take away my darkness with me, take away my presence from the earth. I was just a crazy dude anyways. I'm sick. What's the point of living anymore? No one wants a sick friend, or a sick son.

As i felt myself being put onto a stretcher, I felt my mind drift away. For the first time, it was like I couldn't think anymore. It was like I had lost my inside voice. It felt like I was really dying today.

____________________________________________________________________________

Alex is probably dead.

And I watched him die.

And I didn't even do anything to help him.

I sat through my classes, I ate my lunch. My legs couldn't stop trembling. My fingers couldn't stop jittering. I eyes couldn't stop seeing Alex's body laying motionless on the ground. I wanted to do something. I knew I had to something.

And yet, I kept quiet.

And yet, I didn't inform anyone.

And yet, I didn't do something. Anything.

Why Alexa? Why? Why are you such a coward? Why are you such a loser? Why are you so mental? Why can't you ever do anything right?

You have been a coward since day 1. Since your older brother, Ryan, died from cancer, since your younger brother, Jace, started suffering from cancer, since the day your boyfriend left you.

Since everything.

And because you were such a coward, because you were such a fool to not do anything for everything, you lost it all. You lost everything.

Until you found Alex.

And now you lost him too.

I hate myself. So so much. But luckily, before the voices in my head could criticise and hate me any longer, class had ended. It was time for recess.

I trudged along the hallways, clutching my favourite book in my hands. I gripped the book. Hard. I couldn't loosen the grip. I couldn't lose anything anymore.

I go up to my locker, and before I could open it, from the corner of my eye, I saw a large group of girls walk slowly up to me. The girls who left for track camp. The girls whom I was friends with before I met Alex. The girls whom I believed were still my friends.

I give a smile to Talia, the girl with pretty blonde hair. My best friend. But, she didn't notice. She was too busy staring at her phone, and laughing away with the other girls.

And then they walked away. Past my shoulder.

I guess they were no longer my friends. Maybe they figured out I was sick. Maybe they felt it was best to stay away from the girl with depression. 

I couldn't agree more.

But anyways, something about myself realising that I no longer had a friend to turn to gave me a rush. A rush to run to the general office. A rush to ask the nice lady at the counter if I could leave school because I was feeling "sick" (I mean, kind of. I was feeling sick, in the head). A rush to go to every single hospital.

A rush to take a chance at earning back everything after losing it all.

A rush to make things right again.

A rush to find Alex.

A/N: I was feeling tired the whole week after watching 13 Reasons Why and Black Mirror nonstop. But then I had a rush to finish this chapter hahah. 

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