Stupid Little Blue Haired Boy (boyxboy)

a bakers dozen. [plus one]

g'morning everyone! 

today is a pierce the veil day.  i just thought you all ought to know that.

it's also super overcast here, which is amazing, and i thought i'd reward such good weather with another chapter.  what do you all think?

yes? i should?

okay. here's to you guys. -raises glass-

you're all so awesome.

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"Remember when you asked me out?  You were so shaky; I swore you were going to fall off the rail."

In my hallucination, Justin throws back his head and laughs.  The tops of straight teeth shine in his open mouth.  "You would have felt the same way."

I've grown so lonely, the vision has started to talk to me.

"Please, as if you didn't know me well enough to know I would have said yes.  I had a monster crush on you."

"I know.  You were never good at hiding it."

"Why didn't you ask me sooner?  I mean, if you knew?"

"I liked watching you squirm."  He grins sadistically.  "You're cute when you're shaky, too."

"I told Timmy, about that.  I don't know why I did it, Justin, I don't know why I talked to him.  There's just something about him, and I let my guard down and now..."

"You did the right thing."

I freeze.  "I, what?"

Justin reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder.  It leaves no weight, and no warmth, yet the just the mere thought is comforting.

"It's time you move on, Damian.  I hate seeing you miserable over me.  I just want you to be happy, and in love."

I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off.

"In love with something living.  Something you can show that love to; physically, verbally and mentally."

"I couldn't ever replace you.  You're my one and only."

"I'm not asking you to replace me, Damian.  I'm asking you to follow your heart."

"My heart points to you, and only you."

"And what am I now?" Justin asks and motions to the plot of land we stand on.  "I'm a rotting body in a box, buried under six feet of dirt.  I'm not your boyfriend anymore, Damian.  I love you, and I won't ever stop loving you, and you won't ever stop loving me; I know it.  But you can love me while you love him too, because I sure as hell know that's what your heart is telling you.  It's not telling you to love something cold and hard and let's face it, dead and gone.  Damian, I, Justin Sykes, am telling you to move on.  I'm telling you, no, I'm begging you to take your medication and go to therapy and talk to people who can still hear you and respond and to smile and run and laugh until you can't breathe anymore and live and love.  I'm begging you to live your life.  

"Baby, we don't get much time on this Earth, some of us even less than what we're supposed to be getting.  It's barely enough time to make our mark on this planet, and it's sure not enough if we allow any of it to slip away from us to depression.  You need to take in every breath as though it's your last, because you never know when Death is going to decide to steal you away from all of us, and when that air you pull into your lungs is your final movement.  And when your time does come, you need to make sure you're going to be remembered.  Because it's a shame that the world won't get to experience any new memories you could have made, but it's a downright failure if it doesn't get to hold onto those that you already made.

"I love you, Damian, more than my words or actions will ever be able to describe. And because I love you so fucking much, I'm telling you that the only thing I want for you is to be happy. Holding onto me when I'm gone is not making you happy. It's ruining you. You need to stop blaming yourself for something that wasn't your fault. You're not the Damian I fell in love with anymore. It's hurting everyone, me, your parents, Timmy, even you. It's hurting you.

"Damian, please. Let me go. I need to move on too."

I'm sobbing too hard to say anything. I try to choke out an "I love you," but it can't get any farther than an idea running through my mind. The thought of a word without Justin is unbearable.

"I'm already gone, Damian, you're living in a world without me whether you think you can handle it or not. I'm not going to let you join me anytime soon, either. You need to find a way to pull through. I know you can do it. Look at how far you've come."

Raised pink lines intersecting my arms shine in the cloudy light. They're reminders of every tough place I've been through, and more importantly, that I survived.

"If you can make it through each and every one of those scars, then you can make it through this one too. This is going to be one of your deepest wounds, one that no medicines can aid upon it's healing, and it's going to hurt while it's getting better, but this is going to be a scar you're going to want to hold onto. This is a scar you're going to be proud of."

"I love you, Justin," I scream, and claw at him, trying to find something to hold onto, trying not to let him fade away. My hand passes right through his chest, and all the magic held in the mirage starts to pixelate. "Please don't leave me."

"I love you too, Damian. I love you so much. But it's my time." Justin reaches out his lucid hand to mine. With every second, it vanishes faster and faster. "Please let me go."

"I can't do this without you."

"I believe in you. You're going to make it out okay, because everything always turns out alright."

I'm losing him. And nothing I say can change that.

"And Damian?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell Timmy that Zachary sends his love from heaven, okay? I love you, baby. Take care of yourself."

His hold tightens around my fingers. In the instant before he disappears, I can feel his hand become material. It's still cold, but solid. My palm doesn't pass through.

"I will," I promise. "I love you too," I add, but he's already gone.

I promise to the ground.

The rain starts up, the little droplets freezing against my bare skin. I gave my jacket to Timmy back in the park.

I gave Justin's jacket to Timmy, and then left him there all alone.

What have I done?

"Are you cold?" a small voice comes around the edge of one of the stones in the row behind, and a grey, varsity style coat is brought into view. A hint of blue peeks around with it.

He couldn't have done something more perfect.

"Timmy," I gasp. "I'm so sorry."

The jacket finds its way into my hands, along with the boy carrying it.

I hold him close, the storm raging all around us.

He looks up at me with wounded eyes. "You look like hell."

I give him a struggled smile. "I love you Timmy. And Zachary says he loves you too."