Stupid Little Blue Haired Boy (boyxboy)

zwanzig!!!

sorry for the lack of updates, and crappy filler chapter you're about to experience.  i'd make up a list of excuses for you guys, but it's really just boiled down to the fact that school starts and me and learning don't really get along too well. but that's beside the point.

anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and i will try try try as hard as i can to make the updates more frequent from this point forward, okay?

thank you all so much for not giving up on me.  i won't give up on you guys, i promise.

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There's a knock at my door about half an hour later.  I haven't really done anything, besides stare at my ceiling and wish I could just fall asleep.

But sleep doesn't come so easy to a body whose brain refuses to race at anything less than a million miles a second. 

"Come in, I guess," I mumble.  Who it could be is a mystery to me.  At this point, it could be my long-lost twin brother who was given up for adoption and lives on Mars.  The only person who'd take time to talk to me is either hurt or angry, thanks to me, or most likely both.

I'm greeted by a head of close cropped hair, and dark green eyes. 

"Hey..."  Teddy's voice lets on he's not just here to torment me.  I sit up, and slide towards the wall, making room at the foot of my bed to sit. 

Why are you here?

"Thanks."  He takes a seat at the very edge of the mattress, fists uncomfortably balled at his sides.

We sit in silence for a moment, both of us quite uncomfortable with the closest we've ever voluntarily been with each other our entire lives. 

"I uh...I saw Timmy walking by himself on my way home.  He looked a little down.  Did you guys get in a fight or something?" he nervously asks.  But it's not fearful.  He's not afraid of me.  He's just unfamiliar with the whole situation. 

I mumble, "or something."  There isn't really a better way to explain the whole thing.  Timmy and I weren't exactly fighting, but things aren't really the best between us. 

"Oh."  It takes him a couple of seconds to continue.  "I uh, I gave him a ride home, too.  Because it was so cold out, and everything.  And I wasn't really in any rush to get home or anything."

Okay...

"He's a good kid, you know.  He's got a good heart.  And I'm really sorry about the other night.  I was really out of line, just everything about it.  I'm not out to get you or anything, little brother.  I actually..."  Teddy stares blankly at a picture of Matty Mullins while he speaks.  "And I'd deny it if you tried to tell anyone, but I actually love you, dude, even when I act like a total ass."

"You're just trying to fit in."  The words fall from my mouth without my consent, but after keeping them locked up for so long, they're rebelling in any way possible. 

He breathes a sigh of relief.  "Yeah.  High school's pretty toug-what am I saying?  You know that better than I do, taking all that torment and everything.  You're a strong guy, you know?  You're one of the strongest people I know, losing your boyfriend and still being able to get up in the morning.  And the amount of self-restraint.  I can't even imagine."

Wow.  You actually have more than a tablespoon of feigned emotion.  I'm actually being quite mean here, but it's the safety of my mind.  Nobody can hear my thoughts except me.  Thank the Lord for that. 

"Can I ask you something?"

I turn to look at him.  The connection of our irises burns. 

"I guess."

"Why didn't you give up?  After everything.  What made you decide to keep going?"

Before I know it, I've broken.  I've completely snapped.  One tear leads to another and another until there's so many falling that I don't even know Teddy's moved until I feel his arms around me and I'm soaking his shirt with my sadness.  We're both so far out of character, there's no shame here. 

"Hey."  Justin's warm voice tilted my gaze from the concrete into his.  "Hey, Damian.  What's wrong, baby?"

I laughed; this raw, sadistic laugh.  "How in the hell do you put up with me?"

"You're shitting me right?"  He kept his tone light, friendly.  I was in a dark place that day, and he knew it.  I'm one of the easiest people to push over the edge.  "I don't.  I don't 'put up' with you."

"Aren't you going to leave now?"

"Hey.  That's not fair.  I wasn't finished.  I don't put up with you.  I chose you.  There's a huge difference."

"But you could have made a mistake, choosing me."

He sighed.  

I'd give anything in the world to hear that distinct sigh again, even if it meant hearing it escape the lungs of someone else.  It would still be Justin's sigh. 

How stupid I am, getting attached to a sigh. 

And then, a miracle happened. 

"I'm sorry.  That's not a good question."  Teddy pulls away.  "I should go.  You know, I should go before I make it worse.  Can we just pretend this never happened?  Any of it?"

"Wait."

He sighs, but the sound isn't his.  My brother sighs Justin's sigh, and every muscle in my body seems to freeze.  Including the tears.

Teddy sees it too.  He sees the way I lose all control over everything in the best way possible. 

That's why. 

"Timmy talked to me about you."  His fingers tap on the doorframe, as if he's counting the beats until I release him from this punishment. 

I dip my head, asking him to continue.  I can't think of a more appropriate way to express the command words never seem to. 

"He told me about how he met you, when you were visiting him.  Visiting Justin.  He told me you were talking about the people at our school, telling him all about your day.  He said it was almost like Justin wasn't actually dead to you, just missed a day of school and you were letting him know what stupid high school drama he missed.  And he just smiled, this great big smile, and it took over his whole face."  Teddy laughs.  "No homo or anything, but he's pretty cute.  You know, going by your standards and stuff.  He's got the long hair and tight pants and stuff.  You like that, right?"

"I do."

There's the sound of a car pulling into the driveway, and Teddy whips his head around.  He's not ready to risk his reputation being caught talking to me the way siblings were supposed to.  Especially not about boys. 

"His parents are getting divorced," he spills hurriedly, and slips out of the room.  "Don't lose him too."

I am so completely confused by the entirety of the last ten minutes.