Our Bodies

Silent Treatment

don't ever feel bad for giving the silent treatment
the look you give her when you pass her in the hallway that tells her everything will be okay
when you send her looks across the room that could blow her mind like bullets
her brain splattered on the walls like a messy third grade art project hanging in a spare room at your aunts cottage in Maine
the looks you get when you finally gain the courage to wear the dress your mom convinced you to buy with your very first paycheck, she was so proud when you walked out of the fitting room wearing something fitting
the look you give yourself in the fluorescent lighting windex shiny clean mirrors when you finally like what you see
when you're finally proud to lay your own eyes upon your hips, your thighs a sight for strong eyes
when you finally look at your own body the way you look at the models in those magazines made for mad men who can't accept the fact that they're wrong
they're wrong about you
your mom tells you when you can't see beyond the ink wells of tears gathering in your eyes
finally pouring out on your blanket like a poet spilling her words onto a page
like the Egyptians discovering the joys of papyrus for the first time
like when you discover the new marks on your body you have from simply growing too fast, your stomach a canvas for tiger stripes for iPhone camera lenses to focus on in the summer to show off your imperfections you don't see are already perfect
what will it take for you to realize you're perfect
when your heart hurts and you can't breathe at 3 am
the look you give yourself in the shattered mirror looking at that shattered image of yourself
the look you fake in the pictures you send to your best friends at 3:30 am when your chest is thirsty for air you simply can't feed it
you're binging on air
and you can't get enough calories
you're looking at yourself in the reflection you see in the cup of water your mom brings you to help you calm down
you're silently hoping it goes down the wrong tube just so you can cough it up and finally feel something for the first time in days
you fall silent
self medicating with the pills that you keep taking against doctors wishes
silent at the doctors appointments your mom schedules and puts in between the other commitments in her calendar
she looks at you silently
your heart thirsty for a look of reassurance and safety
like the look she gave you when you looked at yourself with love for the first time in your entire life
what the silence sounded like when you didn't despise your reflection
what the silence sounded like after you swallowed your guilt and accepted the pride
the silence in your lungs when you're starving for air
the silence in your stomach after finally binging on fresh air
the silence of when you fall asleep after a long day of self depreciation
the silence of self love
the silence of self treatment
the silence of the silent treatment