Self-help

Page 7

I feel trapped or caught. I feel 'depressed' even when good things happen because I can never stop thinking about just everything and nothing all at once and I can't stop finding the bad in every situation.

I could be having the best day but then suddenly for no good reason, everything will come rushing back and I want to relapse but I never let that happen. I can't let that happen. Because I've worked so hard to get where I am and I don't know if I can make it again because the beginning is always the hardest.

I just want to be able to abandon the negativity for one day at least. That's all I need. Just so I know it's possible. 

I'm not quite sure how or when all of this happened. I can't even tell if it happened slowly or all at once. All I know is that when it hit, I crashed and burned further and further then I had before or will again.

I did say that the beginning was the hardest, didn't I? But as hard as it was to go through that and to recover from that, I want to break again.

I need to because I feel like I'm on the edge and it hurts so bad because I can still look behind me and see all the good things i once felt but I can never go back. If I break, at least I won't be able to see them and be mocked by them. You know that feeling when you're on the verge of crying but for some reason you can't?

And then finally, something completely and utterly heartbreaking happens and you can't stop crying. That's what I want. I because I hate being on the edge so much, I would rather break.

But my problem is that I keep getting pushed closer and closer to the edge, but never enough for me to fall. And I need to fall and trust that someone will catch me before I hit the ground.