The Dutch Boy [BxB]

T W E L V E

I felt an overwhelming feeling of shame as I drove home, my fingers curled tightly around the steering wheel. It was that nagging sensation of guilt again. I felt bad for leaving so hastily. I felt bad for leading Theodore to believe that he's done something wrong. I felt bad for leaving him to clear up the rest of the graffiti alone.

It was such an abrupt and unplanned exit. I knew it was a shitty thing to do but if I stayed a second longer I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself. I probably would have done something insanely stupid and unforgivable. Like kiss him.

Because that's exactly what I wanted to. Pin him up against the brick wall and press my body against his so he had no escape. I would have leant down and captured his lips in mine, my fingers knotting into the soft hair. I would have kissed him senseless, desperate to feel every part of him unless I never touched him again.

"Fuck!" I hissed sharply as I pulled into my drive, staying completely still even after parking and turning the engine off. I was too confused to go inside. I was wet too, I noticed. My whole body was soaked, my shirt clinging to my abs and dripping onto my shoes. I thought of Theodore again. How he looked, drenched in water from head to toe. His dirty face, tinted red from the soapy liquid. His baggy jumper, heavy with water, his hair, curly and scruffy.

What was wrong with me? I couldn't stop thinking about the boy and it scared me. He was a boy. And I was a boy. I was interested in girls. I always had been. From my first kiss to my last fuck with Sam, it was always girls.

But what scared me more was the fact that my strange, growing feelings for Theodore weren't born out of sexual desire. I liked him in a romantic way. I wanted to see him smile, see him happy. I wanted to hold him and protect him and watch trashy movies with him. And that was something I'd never felt before. Sure, I liked girls, but I never really liked them. It was the idea of them, their bodies, their clothes, their smell. I wanted to feel them and touch them and have sex with them. But I'd never had the urge to do anything else. Hell, I'd never even had a girlfriend.

As much as I tried to ignore my confused longing for Theodore, it was growing impossible. I could ignore the bright glimmer of hope in my chest when I found out he was gay. But I couldn't ignore the way my whole body buzzed with electricity whenever we touched or the way his smile made me happier than any girl could. I liked him. I liked him in a more-than-friendly way. And that honestly scared the shit out of me.

I wanted it all to just go away. I wanted to look at Theodore without wanting to touch him. I wanted to go to sleep without the fear of dreaming about him. I wanted to be into girls again. I'd felt next to nothing when Sam had touched me this morning. I pretended to be enjoying it, for my sake more than Sam's. I tricked myself into believing that if I tried to enjoy it, I would. But it didn't work. And it was probably the first time that I didn't enjoy having sex.

I needed to stop thinking about him. So what if I liked him? I'm just confused. I'm a teenager, it's natural to want to experiment, it doesn't mean anything. Plus, let's say there's a chance Theodore likes me, too. Then what? We date? I almost laughed out loud at that. Nothing could ever happen between us, we were too different. Firstly, it would ruin our friendship, especially if things went tits up. Secondly, we'd have to keep it a secret, because no way would I be ready to tell anyone about my attraction towards a boy. A relationship behind closed doors is not a relationship I desired, like I was ashamed and hiding - which I was. Thirdly, how did I know Theodore would keep it between us? I knew he wasn't the spiteful type, he knew how to keep a secret. But what if the shit hit the fan and he wanted revenge? It would be easy for him to tell the whole school I was suddenly into boys.