What We Leave Behind

4. Paroxysm

The moment I opened my eyes, disappointment loomed over me. That white ceiling and cold ambiance and reeking smell of antiseptic is not hell. This is a hospital. I lived.

I managed to supress the sobs that threatened to escape from my lips, but no amount of willpower was enough to keep the tears at bay. It started falling one by one... then all at once.

I screamed at the top of my lungs and started thrusting and kicking on the bed so hard and the next thing I knew, I fell off the bed. I forced myself up by grabbing on the side of the bed. Upon standing, I slapped everything on the desk near me and forcefully knocked it over. Everything I grabbed I threw and smashed, letting all of the frustration and anguish out.

The door suddenly opened, making me pause.

Kiel. Kiel is here. He looked flustered, his mouth slightly opened, his chest moving up and down, heaving as he tries to catch his breath. He looked around the room, then at me. His eyes are unusually filled with concern and sadness, and I'd like to believe that it's because he is worried because that thought is beautiful. But I know better. It is pity. He thinks that I am pathetic.

I dropped to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably. How could this happen? I was happy. We were happy. And now I am dying to die but I can't die.

My bandaged wrist caught my attention. It reminded of the attempt I made, and how it failed. Burning with fury, I started clawing it off, but I only managed to remove a layer when suddenly, strong hands grabbed my arm, and pressed his body on me as he push my hand away.

"BITAWAN MO AKO!" I exclaimed, squirming from his hold. But everytime I try to free myself, he'd just hold me tighter and pressed on me more. Unti-unti na akong nawawalan ng lakas, hanggang sa nawalan na ako nang ganang lumaban.

I buried my face on his chest and sobbed uncontrollably. "Kiel, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I cried. "I'm so sorry."

He slowly let go of me and scooped me closer, wrapping his arms around me. I felt his hand on my hair, slowly caressing it. All of the heaviness in my chest started to melt away. Every fear, every uncertainties, are slowly fading from my system.

"Don't fucking do that again," he whispered. "I swear to God if you make me go through something like that ever again. You can't die. We're not done yet."

I chuckled sarcastically. "You're not yet done destroying me, don't you?"

He leaned away from me. He gripped both my shoulders as he lift me off the floor.

Inalalayan niya akong makaupo sa hospital bed. "Oo."

And with that, he let go of me. Wala na siyang ibang sinabi bago ako talikuran. Noon na nakuha ng atensyon ko ang dalawang doctor na nakatayo malapit sa pintuan. Kanina pa sila. Nakita nila ang lahat.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

"I got this Doc," one of them said. Then the door creaked as it opened and close.

"Yvaine!" he acknowledged enthusiastically. "Hello."

I forced a smile towards his direction, but not directly at him. Nahihiya ako. Nakakahiya ang ginawa ko.

"Can I see your injury?" he asked gently.

I offered both of my wrists to him. He held the right one softly and examined it. He fixed the damage I made to the bandage, and then went on with the other one after that.

"You're here. Bakit?" I asked. "I mean, if you're here, it would mean that I am at St. Therese. It would mean na nasa siyudad ako. I mean, I live two hours from here so how come?"