What We Leave Behind

6. La douleur exquise

With my eyes closed, I slowly moved my hand to touch him, praying so hard that he is real and this is not just a bittersweet dream. When my fingertips felt his skin, something inside me felt relief. He is real. This is real. So is the pain and the longing in my chest but that does not really matter. He is real. He is here.

I stole a quick glance at his face. He looked peaceful, contented. It's as if I am back again to that one simple morning five years ago when I get to see his face the moment I open my eyes. I want to touch his face, but I held back. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve him.

The dryness in my throat forced me to stand up. I grabbed one of his polo shirts and the shorts I wore yesterday. I walked quietly pass the stairs and the living room.

Nang malapit na ako sa kusina, nakuha ng ingay ng kutsarang tumatama sa mangkok ang atensyon ko. Nang marating ko ang kusina, nakita ko si Kiarra. Nakatayo siya sa kitchen counter at tahimik na kumakain. Cornflakes, I guess, seeing that a box of which is open beside her bowl.

I smiled inwardly. Her presence reminded me that despite of the fact that even when I am not really back to that one simple morning five years ago, I am here at that one seemingly different morning five years later where someone like her exist. She is real. She is here.

"Good morning," I greeted enthusiastically as I walk closer to her. He glanced up and smiled sweetly at me. She put her spoon down and ran towards me.

I leaned down as I welcome her embrace with my arms. She hugged me tightly. "Good morning Mommy."

She let go of me and went back to her food. "So that's your breakfast?" I asked.

"Yes Mommy. Do you want one mommy?" she replied.

I shook my head. "But why? Sana ginising mo ako or si Daddy."

"We have this rule mommy, that if Dad is not awake after 6:30, I will not wake him up because that means that he is tired and he can't cook breakfast because he is tired from work, and he is so sorry and he'll cook one next time. So I'll eat cornflakes with milk," she explained, "Daddy taught me how."

"Well, I'll cook breakfast for you and Daddy," I offered, "Is that okay?"

Her eyes lit up. "You will?"

"I will."

"Yay Mommy!"

Pinuntahan ko ang refrigerator saka kumuha ng itlog, loaf bread at hotdog. Sinama ko na rin ang natirang kanin mula sa hapunan naming kagabi.

I thawed the hotdog, then cracked the eggs into a bowl and started beating them as I add salt. Setting this aside, I heated two frying pan, one for the fried rice, the other for the egg.

"Wow Mommy, ambango," Kiarra remarked after I placed the garlic on the hot oil. "Its so good to have a Mommy pala."

A pain pinched inmy chest. "I'm sorry if I'm five years late."

"It's okay Mommy. I know you're coming back."

I glanced at her. "You know?"

"Daddy said so," she expounded, "He said you'll come back, so I have to be a good girl because he said that it will make you happy. He said that you're the best mommy. You're just gone because you had to do something. That's why I am not hating you Mommy and I really really missed you."

May kung anong humaplos sa puso ko. Kiel has been covering up my absence for her absence. He loves her this much.

"I miss you too," I replied.