What We Leave Behind

5. Querencia

I lie flatly on the bed in one of the guest rooms, staring at the ceiling-- Our ceiling or is it just his now? Coming back home should make you feel like you can finally breathe after being submerged under the water, so why does it feel like water still enters my lungs whenever I inhale?

Siguro kasi, this place is no longer my home. Siguro kasi, we are beyond repair already. Siguro kasi, I shouldn't have obliged with his demand. Siguro kasi, when I obliged with his demand, I should kill the thought that he wants me back.

Pagdating namin sa bahay 'niya', he just unlocked the front door, placed everything I have inside the house and told me to wait for him. Kaya kinuha ko ang mga gamit ko at dinala sa guest room na ito. I guess, ito yung gagamitin kong kwarto from now on. Alangan naman sa master's bedroom pa ako makikisiksik. Ambisyosa lang Yvaine? Feeling asawa?

A car honked, startling me. It must be him so I got up and sprinted past the living room and into the gate. Upon catching a glimpse of his car between the steel bars of the gate, I rushed towards it and opened it wide, letting it in. I immediately closed on once he has gone past.

Paglingon ko, agad kong napansin ang isang batang babae na nakatayo malapit sa pinto ng passenger seat. Mataman niya akong tinitigan.

May sakit na bumalatay sa dibdib ko, pero mas nangibabaw ang kasiyahan. I wasn't there for her for five years. I know that I have seen her few months back but it feels like I haven't. The space between us is just too wide, and not a simple passive encounter can bridge the gap.

"Kiarra," I called.

She ran towards me, stopping when we are a few inches apart. She kept on staring at my face, as if he is trying to memorize it. "You came back."

I took a risk of touching her cheek, and when she did not flinch, I allowed myself to enjoy the softness of her skin. I don't want her to experience what I had experienced when my father started to manifest the consequences of this disease, but I also don't want to abandon her.

"Yes, baby," I replied, "Mommy missed you."

"So you're really my Mommy?" she asked, confusion flooded in her face.

I smiled. "Yes."

"So why were you not here for the last years?" she asked again, a question that slowly erased my smile. I let out a sigh to calm my nerves.

"I was away."

"She knows," Kiel chimed in. "She's asking why."

I glanced momentarily at him, then fixed my eyes at hers. "I can't explain it in a way that you'd understand, but to put it simply, Mommy left Daddy, and then I left you to Daddy. I am really sorry," I explained, "I'm sorry I left you and Daddy."

She smiled genuinely at me, and instantly, all the pain and weight I carry in my chest for the past years was lifted. "It's okay Mommy. I don't hate you."

I don't deserve this. "You do know that Mommy will not hate you if you can't forgive me yet, right?"

"Yes Mommy. But I really don't hate you," she reassured, "I miss you though, so can I hug you Mommy?"

I leaned towards her and wrapped my arms tightly around her small body. Hindi ko mapigilang mapaiyak. "My Baby. I am so sorry. I am so sorry."

"Mommy," her voice breaks as a sob escape from her lips. "Don't cry Mommy."

The next thing I knew, another set of arms wrapped around us. When I took a peek, I saw Kiel's chest. He is hugging the two of us. "Yes, Mommy. Don't cry," he whispered into my ears.