Love & Exorcisms | 18+ | COMPLETE |

- Chapter 19 -

Only in dreams did the memories I destroyed crawl back. From the darkest dredges of my mind they dragged themselves forth like vampires, to wrap around my thoughts with cruel fingers and dig into my sanity with tearing claws. If I could have burned every memory prior to January 1st, 1900 I would have gladly. If I could have willed myself dead prior to that date, I would have done so.

Every morning, it was my responsibility to go out to the barn and see to the sows. I would muck their stalls, ensure they had fresh straw, and that their troughs were filled. I did not mind it. It got me out of the house, out from under mother's nervous eye and father's judgment. The morning light across the fields was golden and soft, filled with autumn's hazey light as the leaves turned color and the grass dried and went brown.

It was the autumn I turned 18. It was the autumn Richard Morrison saw me in the barn.

Richard was a friend of my father's, a widower, and more well-off than my family. He had two grown sons, older than I, and together they had made a business of raising fine horses for racing. Richard was one of those older gentleman who possessed a certain worldly charm: always well-dressed, groomed, with clever conversation and a way with his words that would make you feel both honored to be spoken to and chastised for your own stupidity. He cut an intimidating figure when I noticed him silhouetted in the barn door, leaning against the frame. I nearly dropped my slop bucket.

"Oh! Good morning, Mr. Morrison," I curtsied quickly, my face flushing crimson when I saw the muck I had splashed on my dress. "Are you looking for my father?"

"Not this morning, my dear," he said. His voice was deep and he enunciated each word with a precision that made it seem as if he was worried one might slip away from him. "I caught a glimpse of that lovely angel's hair of yours as I was going past and could not resist a look at you."

I flushed again, hot and unsure of how to react. I could only smile nervously, my words stayed. Richard meandered into the barn, looking about as if surveying the place. But his eyes kept wandering over me. "Your father tells me he's had difficulty with you lately. He says the strap hardly fazes you anymore."

"One cannot be fazed by something so readily given," I said softly. I did not want to talk about my father, or his beatings, or his fury that he could not force me to behave how he wished. He certainly could not use the very thing I had no fear of - pain - to bend me to his will. I did not want to talk about such things with Richard Morrison. He had stopped in front of me, standing a bit too close.

My response made him chuckle. "What a fiery one you are. Such an innocent face yet such a rebellious heart. Surely a thrill for your future husband."

"I don't plan to be married, Mr. Morrison," I said. I peered around him toward the open door, where the light fell in a shaft of warmth. The barn suddenly felt too dim, too isolated. Mr. Morrison's eyes widened with amusement.

"No husband?" he said. "I suppose you shall buy a house and land all on your own? Go childless to your grave?" He laughed, as if the very idea was ludicrous.

I wanted to say that I did not desire much. I wanted to say I would be happy with just a little cottage, with a garden to grow vegetables I would sell at market. I wanted to say I would be perfectly happy childless and that I greatly preferred my own company. I wanted to say that I would find satisfaction with or without a husband, that I knew well my desires and they were not the stuff good wives were made of.

But I was silent.

Richard reached out, and caught a strand of my blond hair where it peeked out beneath my cap. "Come for a walk with me," he murmured. "It's a lovely day."