- say something // phan -

-2-

i am awoken to the faint sound of sniffling. i'd convinced myself years ago that i was a deep sleeper and as i sit upright in my bed, staring down at my patterned sheets, it makes me chuckle.

i read somewhere that those who are heartbroken retract from the world and therefore notice less than the average person. i have come to realise that this couldn't be more of a lie, for it is now that i notice the most.

 i notice the way everything appears so much brighter under the dense blanket of darkness; the rays of light radiating from my ceiling collide with my sapphire irises, making them sweat and sting. i notice that when you're searching for peace and clarity, everything seems so far away from the truth. 

the pictures hung upon my white washed walls don't seem straight anymore, the owls conversing outside seem louder than ever before and the sniffing coming from through the wall seems to be turning into the sounds of another riddled with heartache. 

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you

i unwrap the duvet from my body, the underneath of my calves our sweating; my skin sticking to the cotton sheets like out of date glue. as i haul myself out of bed and stand up straight, i can't even bare to look around my room. 

he's gone but he's everywhere. 

i drag the entirety of my body weight towards the door. i am so incredibly skinny. my sunken skin hangs over my lifeless corpse, pale and insipid. 

i don't want to eat. eating reminds me of him.

ordering pizza at eleven pm, staying up all night to devour the entire box whilst watching movies with out legs intertwined. going out to coffee shops, watching his beautiful dark eyes light up at the array of cakes in the front window. printing out new recipes and spending hours in the kitchen together, closing my eyes and hearing that contagious laugh of his, knowing straight away that i was home.  

i don't want to eat. 

i tell myself it's because i don't have the energy, but i know i'm just lying to myself. 

but ain't nobody need you like i do 

i pull at the rusted door handle and the lock clicks open. now that my bedroom is free from confinement, the reason i am awake is louder than ever before. and it's a sound i know all too well. 

i lean against dan's door, and a wave of pain pulsates through my chest, radiating through my heart and into my lungs. i can feel the acid rising up out of my stomach, edging closer towards my throat. my slim hands are clammy and warm. 

'dan?' i call out, and an instant impulse of regret vibrates through me.

'dan, are you okay?' i raise my voice. i wish i could control my emotions. 

no reply. the silence is deafening. you never truly understand that phrase until silence is all you're surrounded by. i lift my arm up to the golden door handle and push down. it creaks open slowly, my heart palpitating in my chest vigorously. 

'phil?' i hear dan sniffle from the corner of the room. 

i know there are others that deserve you

'yes?' i reply immediately. 'are you okay?' it's a stupid question and i know it. 

'what are you doing? get out' he snarls back. 

'but.. dan please' i whisper. his face is flushed a bright fuchsia, his cheeks stained with tears. i stare at him longingly from the other side of the room, trying to fight away to overwhelming urge to fling my arms around him and kiss his soft skin. 

'get out. get the fuck out' he shouts. i sigh, and run my fingers through my hair. 

'why do we do this dan?' i ask. 

'what the hell are you talking about?' he growls at me. 

'you said you loved me..' i stammer pathetically. 

'phil, now is not the fucking time. it's 3 AM' 

'we can't keep doing this, we have to talk about it some time soon dan. i can't go on like this' i blubber, my blue eyes giving way to tears. 

but my darling, i am still in love with you

'can't keep doing what? we're fine' his voice cracks as he slams his hand down onto the bed. 

'we're not and you know it better than i do' i persist. 

'well if that's what you think, then why don't you move out?' the anger has subsided from his voice, now only filled with discontent.

'you know i can't do that' i say, tears rolling down my cheeks. dan wipes his sodden face and inhales deeply. 

i could try and smile and hide the truth    

'then get the fuck out' the words echo around the room. 

i walk swiftly to the door, slamming it shut behind me. my eyes are swollen red with tears, my arms shaking with adrenaline whilst dan's sobs continue to fill the whole apartment. 

but i know i was happier with you