Abandoned - Zalfie

Frozen in time

I knew it was time to go to the airport but I could not bring myself to get up off our bed, where I lay with Alfie. I had left our hotel room tidy this morning in the hope it would help his mood. If it did he had not cared to move his breakfast plates, or get out of the hotel room with Tanya and Jim like I had suggested. My head rested on his shoulder, he held my hand so tightly it felt as though the blood flow had been stopped. He gazed out of the window, mesmerized. Watching Disney Lands roller coasters go round and round the gigantic, colourful track that made me anxious just looking at it. He seemed amazed by it, although we had both been to Disney and he had been on the ride itself. His gaze was innocent and curious. I stared at him, the stubble that he grew on my request. His messy hair with the back patch at the front standing out like a stain on a white t-shirt. His eyes now seemed different, tired and lonely. To me he was perfect but others find faults in even the most beautiful of people. Nobody stands a chance in this world, if there is not a war in your country, there is a silent war of judgment in society.

My head was buzzing, throwing around the words Alfie had confided in me. How he had thought I was asleep when he told me that he was stressed. He told me about the comments people left on his videos, how he read every single one. He told me about the content that he did not enjoy making but did, for the viewers sake. He told me everything that had been on his mind during the past year or so. I had not seen it coming but the more I think about it the more I realize it makes sense, he was very unhappy. The saddest part was he could only tell me because he thought I was asleep. He did not trust me.

Our flight leaves later this evening, we are meeting Louise and Joe at the airport. I had hardly seen Louise at this vidcon as we had separate meet ups and we were not staying for the rest of the week, like we did last year, all in one big house. We needed to set off soon because the airport was about 40 minutes in good traffic;LA never had good traffic. We were heading back to the UK, back to Brighton, back to home back to reality.

I got up off the bed and started to get the bags nearer to the door. Then starting to route around for anything we may have left behind that was important, phones, laptops, cameras, passports, tickets the list was endless. Alfie got to his feet and helped, he did not look at me the whole time. I wondered what he was thinking about, how he felt. However the silence was not awkward it was comfortable. I smiled to myself, happy with the thought of being home tonight, being able to hear the waves. I always missed it. Although I loved meeting viewers I was always stressed and it affected my anxiety a lot. However back home me and Alfie could do things at our own pace, together. 

I closed the door behind me, Alfie started to walk towards the lift. He had the suitcases as they were to heavy for me to carry. The closed door behind me felt like a barrier, closing Vidcon.  This year had been packed and I missed all of my friends already. I felt like I had not sat down and spoke to everyone yet we should still have a few days left. Everyone had been busy rushing around, when you found a moments peace you took it and were grateful. Drama always happened when YouTubers met up like this, I tried my best to stop it but from experience I knew it was best to stay out of it. When a group of anti-social people got together in a different time zone with a busy schedule it could sometimes be brilliant but sometimes be dreadful. You never knew what to expect, most of the time by speaking to people about what had happened helped and all was resolved the next day. But I could not do anything to stop the shipping of Tyler and Troye. Nobody could, I remember what it was like. Me and Alfie could not do anything together without the internet going crazy.

On the first night of Vidcon we all went out on the car park roof because Alfie, Marcus and Louis wanted to skate. This was one of Alfies new hobbies that I did not enjoy taking part in. Therefore I was sat alone laughing at everyone trying to skate when Tyler came and sat next to me, he sighed as he sat down. He also was not skating, for reasons I was not yet aware of. His new hair was sticking out at all angles, his clothes were dirty and his glasses had finger marks all over. I glanced over to see Tyler's blue eyes brimming with tears. I walked him around the corner of the car park, behind a car. Making sure nobody saw us before we sat on the concrete floor. Only seconds later he broke down.

"I hate it Zoe. I nearly didn't come to Vidcon this year, all because my viewers want me and Troye to be together. Well newsflash Troye likes Connor and there is nothing I or anyone can do about it, believe me, I have tried. All I ever see on the internet is comments about me and Troye, we can't do anything without being watched. No matter what the topic of my video is, or who it is with my comments are flooded with '#troyler'. I hate it, it controls me and its hurting me now. I've asked them to stop but they don't understand, help me Zoe? I can't go on like this, I might have to stop YouTube altogether, but they would still be able to make up some kind of excuse for the troyler tag. I cant escape." He was begging for help, his voice was broken. We spoke for nearly three hours that night, I tried to cheer Tyler up. I knew what it was like; being trapped inside the Internets imagination. There is no way out when you get so deep.  

It wasn't just Tyler who was unhappy, Joe was upset about something that he "Didn't want to talk about," although he promised an explanation when we were home, I hoped he wouldn't brush it off as usual. Everyone needed a break, together, spending time like we used to. There was tension between friendships and many YouTubers were feeling the pressure a lot lately. 

Luckily we did not see any viewers on the way to the taxi, we were already running late. We arrived at the airport where Joe and Alfie went off leaving me and Louise alone in the business lounge. We had a long chat about what Alfie had said, and what had happened at Vidcon. Louise said she knew where Alfie was coming from and although I had not noticed, Louise said she thought he looked a bit out of it at Playlist in March. I felt so stupid. I spend so much time with him and I don't even notice when he is or isn't happy, I was a pathetic girlfriend. 

We eventually boarded the flight, ready for the 10 hour flight home.