Abandoned - Zalfie

2 hours later.

Another busy year of Vidcon had just ended, me and Zoe lay on our hotel bed, exhausted. This was my third Vidcon but only Zoes second, even though this was the 5th annual. Only last year had our relationship been outed at Vidcon when one of our best friends, Jim Chapman had accidentally included a glimpse of Zoes laptop screen in his vlog. The laptop screen just happened to be a photo of me and Zoe in Mykonos a few months earlier. The internet erupted over night, the next morning we told the world about us. It was a big moment for us both; as Zoe was out of a bad relationship and I was only in my second serious one. But as our relationship became stronger we grew used to the shipping, and it seemed as if some of the viewers did to.

Zoe dragged herself up and got changed into her pajamas. While I checked twitter and replied to some of the girls I had met today at the meet up. The whole adventure of Vidcon had been so overwhelming this year with 18,000 people attending. I had loved spending time with all of my best friends that lived all over the world, catching up with them was always a highlight of my stay. As I scrolled through my mentions I saw people tweeting things about me, saying they didn't like me,  and other hurtful things once again. I put my phone down, suddenly feeling glum. I got up mumbling something to Zoe about the bathroom, and I found myself leaning on the cold sink with tears streaming down my face only seconds later. I always tried very hard to please everyone, knowing it was impossible but still getting upset when I didn't please everyone. I was constantly creating new content and wondering what the insult would be this time. Most of the content I made I wasn't happy with, but the viewers preferred it. My head filled with dark thoughts once again and the adrenaline of Vidcon was gone only 2 hours after it had ended. I sank to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest, the pressure of YouTube was swallowing me up. I heard a knock at the bathroom door and realized that I had been in the bathroom in a state for at least an hour. 

"Alfie, are you okay?" Zoe called, "I'm worried about you.." Her voice sounded afraid and hurt as it trailed off. I opened the door, her face covered with concern when she saw my red puffy eyes and blotchy cheeks. I stood in front of her feeling completely hopeless and broken.

"I'm not okay Zo" I cried as she pulled me into a hug, she didn't have say anything, she just held my hand and lead me to bed. We lay together looking at each other her face painted with comfort. I held her tiny hand as tight as I could, needing her reassurance and the tears began to slow. Eventually we fell asleep for the night. Entangled together for the night.

When I awoke the next morning Zoe had already packed my suitcase, tidied the room and was gone for her shoot at Seventeen Magazine with Marcus.  She had been very nervous about it as many Americans had told her what a big deal it was. She had also left the room service menu on the bedside table with a note that said, "I love you." but that was all I needed. Sometimes we have to be reminded of the simple things. We didn't know when the shoot would be over so I decided to order breakfast and while I was waiting I showered, feeling much better than the night before already. Showers always made me feel fresh. I then went on to check my phone, several messages from Zoe. They were all checking I was okay, when the shoot ended and telling me that Tanya and Jim were at the hotel until tomorrow if I needed company. I did not need company today, I needed Zoe.

I knew that I needed to talk to Zoe about how I felt but I was terrified that she wouldn't understand. I thought through what I would say if I was brave enough to talk to her when she got in. I then moped about for the next couple of hours, looking out at Disney and the pool. Then rethinking what I would say, changing my mind. I checked twitter and Instagram multiple times seeing the same photos over and over.

Finally Zoe got back to the hotel room, she called hello as she ambled into the hotel now untidy room. After all her efforts early this morning I had not even bothered to move my dirty breakfast plates.  Her blue eyes were full of pity and I knew that I couldn't tell her;not today. I did not want to hurt her, in any way, shape or form. She looked beautiful; hair and make up was done from the shoot and just seeing her took my breath away, her hair had been curled but she had obviously found that it got in the way in the LA heat and had pulled it into a messy bun on top of her head, her makeup had worn and her rosy cheeks were beckoning to be kissed softly. Mascara ran under her eyes in a way that nobody else could pull off, to me every part of her is beautiful.

We sat together on the bed, with her head resting perfectly on my shoulder, where it fitted just right. I had placed my arm around her tiny shoulder and as we sat together I eventually heard her breathing level out, she was asleep. That was when I decided to speak to her about how I had been feeling. While she was asleep I could practice holding my voice out without crying. As a result I spilled everything out to Zoe feeling incredible to get the weight off my shoulders. The only problem was the fact Zoe was fast asleep and did not hear a word I had said. The realization that I had said what I needed to hit me I could tell her and she will be able to help me.

"I love you Zo" I spoke aloud.

"I love you to Alfie" I heard back, shocked I looked down, her eyes were wide and aware.