Abandoned - Zalfie

Dr Butler.

I was walking to my counselling meeting, on the other side of town, just across from the pier. Zoe had offered to give me a lift but I had turned her down as I always enjoyed walking in Brighton. I loved the way the sea sprayed in your face, the way the wind was fresh and cooling, the way the seagulls swarmed overhead, the way everyone was always happy. It was just over a month since we had got home from VidCon. Shortly after we had got back Zoe had arranged for me to speak to someone. At first I was angry and did not agree that I needed to see someone, we had argued and in the end she told me if I cared about her at all I would go, so I went.

The first time I went Zoe dropped me off, just before I went in I had begged her not to make me, promising I would tell her when I was sad and trying to tell her we could work through it together. She told me to stop being stupid and get out of the car. I did as I was told. The building was tall and facing the sea front. It was painted white with blue beams, typical Brighton exterior. The windows were huge and as I climbed the wooden steps up to the building I considered hiding in the bush, waiting for Zoe to go and walking home. But I knew that I would loose her trust and that was one thing I could not do. I buzzed the door and walked into a big room where a woman sat at the front desk.

"Hello, how can I help you?" She smiled brightly at me, but it did not reach her eyes.

"Err... I have an appointment I think" I trailed off, unsure what to say as she stared at me.

"Your name?" She asked sounding bored.

"Alfie Deyes." From there she told me to wait in the waiting room until Dr Butler was ready to see me. I sat in the empty room, looking out to sea. It always relaxed me. Around 10 minutes later a short man walked into the room. He was kind-looking, with a beard and a huge smile.Not at all like I had expected.

"Hello Alfie! Nice to meet you, if you come into my room we can have a chat." Unlike the reception lady his smile did follow up to his eyes.  I followed the small man into a room just down the corridor. When we got to the room he opened the door I smiled as I saw the interior. The far wall was covered in a beautiful sea painting, it included all the blue shades under the sun, the other wall was a huge collage of the man and what I guessed to be his family. The corner of the room had bean bags and a pile of board games such as Monopoly, Guess Who and the Logo Quiz. He saw me looking around and grinned,

"Do you want to sit on the bean bags? They're much more fun." I agreed and as we sat he explained about himself and what he did, he explained about the wall of pictures and how he works as a councillor. He told me that he did not believe in the term counselling, he thought that I was simply not happy and needed an extra friend each week. This made me relax a little and we started chatting. The man asked me all kind of questions about myself, that I wasn't used to answering, however for every question he asked I got to ask one about him. I learned that His name is Shay Carl Butler, he is married,  he has lived in Brighton all of his life, he is 34, he has 5 kids and he is religious. I walked out feeling like I had made a proper friend, I decided to go back next week.

Zoe pulled up just as I got outside, she looked nervous and as I got into the car she immediately apologized for forcing me to go and reassuring me I wouldn't have to go again if I didn't want to. I laughed and then told her how amazing it had been and how nice Shay was. I told her that I was glad she made me go because it is only going to help. She looked relieved and as we started to drive I explained about Shay and his life. We were nearly home when I felt a urge to thank Zoe, for everything she had done for me. Just as we pulled up I proposed my idea.

"Start the car Zo, I want to take you out, a thank you present," I started but I was quickly cut off.

"Alf you don't have to do that!" She sounded shocked at my offer yet she looked excited at the same time Zoe was always one for spontaneous dates.

"I want to, you deserve it," I explained leaning over and kissing her cheek.

Only 10 minutes later we were in her favourite Italian restaurant, she was chatting away happy as a kid on Christmas Day. That was the moment I realized I loved Zoe Sugg. I loved every little thing about her, the way she laughed when I said something stupid, the way she loved to sit in bed all day with no makeup and a take-away pizza, the way she acted when she was lonely, the way she loved me just as much as I love her. 

I cut her off mid sentence, "I love you Zoe." I said it clear and proud. She giggled and told me she loved me, then started talking about how she would never know what goes on in my mind. I agree.

When I returned to see Shay the following week he informed me that I have bipolar depression. Whatever that is. Shay was nice and spoke to me in a calm voice. He told me how to avoid my low moods and to be respectful to people around me when I was in them. He was teaching me how to reach out for help if I was feeling particularly down, just in case my mind drifted off into dangerous territory. He was also helping me find activities that made me happy, things I will enjoy to take my mind off YouTube every once in a while. I was confused at first because I went to say YouTube was my hobby and made me happy. Although that was not the case anymore. YouTube was stressful and it did not make me happy, not one bit. I never knew what to film and when I filmed certain things the viewers hated it. YouTube was not a fun hobby anymore. I hated it.

I had googled for hobbies in the end, as I could not think of any. The list was long; roller skating, me and Zoe had bought Mr and Mrs roller skates and although it was fun, it wasn't my thing. I had tried to learn to play the Ukulele, I did not enjoy that one bit either. I had convinced Jonathon to try Kayaking with me much to Zoe and Annas despair, that was a disaster. Whatever I tried failed and in conclusion left me feeling down and more upset than I had first started out to be. 

I turned to Zoe for help, you see she had offered to help me right at the start but I wanted to be in charge of my life. I wanted to show her I had ideas and I would be able to turn it around on my own. I wanted her to be proud of me. But I could not do it without her. In fact I could not do anything without her, we spent every day together, not on purpose. Just because we both wanted to, it did not matter what we did but as long as we were together my mood was somewhat better. I found being alone was when my mind drifted off and I started thinking about YouTube and my viewers. In consequence I tried to spend as much time as possible with people, mostly Zoe.

When I asked Zoe about a hobby, she smiled and said the most obvious thing in the world, "Well you started YouTube as a hobby right? If you enjoyed it then you must enjoy it now. You just need to make your channel about you not the viewers." That was when I decided to change the basis of my channel. I had once enjoyed YouTube a lot and I did not want that to change but sadly it already had. I was about to change it back. We sat in her living room, curled up on the sofa brainstorming fun video ideas. Her eyes lit up every time we came up with a new video, she looked proud of me. I did not even know why she was proud. One thing I do know is that without Zoe Sugg my life would not be as great as it is now.

A/N

Hello everybody, I try to update every Friday but I have just broken up for summer holidays so every once in a while I might post a couple a week. If you have any suggestions let me know:)