Love's Not a Competition

Chapter 12

"What about Calum though, and the wedding?" It's a reasonable question and I can't blame my best friend for asking. I'd be doing the same if the tables were turned, in fact I asked myself the same question countless times during the night.

"I don't know Lou... I really don't know." I shake my head and sigh. When did life get so complicated? I remember when I was growing up I thought that once I reached adulthood I'd know exactly what to do and say in every situation but right now I feel no more sure of myself than I did twenty years ago.

"You do still want to marry Cal, don't you? He loves you to bits, you know that."

"Does he?" If Lou had said that to me a few weeks ago I'd have agreed whole heartedly, but now I don't know whether he does love me to bits. Not now I'm not perfect. "He's changed since we found out about the MS."

"Well, that's understandable isn't it? He's worried about you, I'm sure he doesn't love you any less." She gives me a reassuring smile as she tucks one side of her blonde bob back behind her ear, but there is a hint of uncertainty about it.

"You know he doesn't do illness. If he can't fix it, he'll pretend it doesn't exist." It's odd that Calum is so uncomfortable with illness; when we first met he was recovering from a broken neck that ended his semi-professional rugby career. In fact the night we met was his first night of 'freedom' as he called it after 16 weeks immobilised in a neck brace. Perhaps though that's why he is so uncomfortable around illness or injury; he knows what it's like to be in pain and incapacitated. You'd think that would make him more sympathetic to others though, not less so. "Since we found out he's barely touched me, it's almost like he thinks it's catching, like I've got the plague or something."

"Maybe he's just being gentle with you honey."

"I don't think so. I think... it feels like he's disappointed in me. I'm hoping that once he's used to the idea things'll get better, but I don't know what I'll do if they don't." Things were tough after my miscarriage earlier this year – Cal didn't know what to do or say – and although they're better than they were our relationship isn't the same as it was before that happened. I'm not sure if I can take it if things change again.

Lou is quiet for a few moments and takes a sip of her tea, gazing at me thoughtfully over the rim of her mug. I know that look, she's got something she wants to say and she's just trying to decide how to say it best.

"What? Just say it Lou." I tell her, not wanting to wait in suspense any longer.

"I'm... this is just an idea Cherry, but... do you think you should consider postponing the wedding?"

"I... what?" I gape at Lou. Postponing the wedding isn't even a possibility; Calum has about a million relatives coming over from Ireland as well as a few from further afield and they've all already booked flights and hotels and goodness knows what else.

Plus there's the money we've spent that's probably gone forever if we postpone things.

"It's just an idea. Your diagnosis has been a shock to both of you; maybe you just need some time to come to terms with it and get back to how you were before."

Right now it feels to me that it's unlikely we'll ever get back to how we were, although I guess it's a possibility that we will once we've got used to my uncertain future. But before I even have a chance to answer the door opens and in walks Calum himself.

"There you are," he states, pushing the door closed and perching on the edge of my desk with his arms crossed over his chest. I'm not sure where he expected me to be, this is where I always work. "Are you okay? You look... odd. You're not ill are you?" Those final five words are uttered with something akin to distaste. He doesn't quite turn his nose up, but he's not far off.