Love's Not a Competition

Chapter 18

Sorry for the delay in updating, work has been manic and my brain has been dead once I've finished for the day.  This chapter is a bit short, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

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I open my eyes to find Rick lying facing me, just staring at me. He's got a weird look on his face, half sad half contented, or something like that. Sad but happy, if that makes sense.

"Hi," I say quietly, my throat feels raw and sore from all the crying I did last night after I told Rick about my illness; once I'd started it was hard to stop, it felt like a dam had burst and all the tears I'd been holding back for weeks came flooding out. I've tried hard not to cry in front of people; my mum because I don't want her more upset than she already is, Lou for the same reason, and Calum because he doesn't seem to really care. "How long have you been watching me?"

"Not long," he smiles and moves forward to brush a soft kiss over my lips. "You look beautiful."

"I doubt that very much," I laugh softly, feeling slightly awkward; I can't decide if it's creepy or sweet that he's just been lying there looking at me while I've been sleeping. "Did you sleep okay? You look a bit tired."

"Not really. I couldn't settle, spent ages watching stuff on YouTube on my phone. I hope I didn't disturb you."

"No you didn't but you should have woken me, we could have watched stuff together, or talked." I smile and reach out to run my hand through his sticky-up bed hair to smooth a bit down. I'm surprised he didn't wake me – either intentionally or accidentally – in the past if he couldn't sleep he'd always wake me to talk about random stuff, or just fidget so much that he woke me accidentally.

"I didn't want to, you need your rest." He frowns in concern, as though he expects me to have a relapse right here in front of him, right now.

"Why?" I don't know why I ask, I know what he's going to say and I'm willing myself not to feel disappointed by his answer.

"Because you're ill." He sighs as he reaches out to me, his fingertips just making contact with my cheek before I pull away.

I shake my head, sighing myself as I push the bedclothes back and sit up. "You promised you wouldn't do this."

"What am I doing?"

"You know what." I say, probably more sharply than is necessary. "You promised you wouldn't treat me any differently. I'm not an invalid Rick; a night spent talking rubbish with you isn't going to kill me."

I get out of bed and head towards the bathroom as I speak; even though I was expecting his answer the disappointment is crushing. I can feel it as a weight on my chest and a lump in my throat. I just manage to close the bathroom door and slide the bolt across before a tear splashes down my cheek at almost exactly the same moment as Rick taps on the door and says my name. "Cherry I'm sorry."

"Can you just leave me alone for a few minutes." I try to steady my voice as I reply so that he can't tell I'm crying. I know he means well so I'd hate it if he knew he'd upset me. I sit on the edge of the bath and put my head in my hands, trying to stem the emotion that's threatening to overtake me. I should have realised Rick would be the same as my mum and Lou, he cares about me as much as they do. Why on earth didn't I take those leaflets out of my bag and leave them at home on Friday? Then he could have lived in ignorant bliss and I could have pretended that everything is normal for a while longer. I know I'd have had to tell him eventually – either that or end this before it became necessary for him to know, which I probably should do anyway – but at least I could have done it how and when I chose.

I let myself cry for a minute or two, then stand up and run some water into the basin. Peering at myself in the mirror I wonder how on earth Rick could have thought I was beautiful when I was sleeping. My eyes are puffy – puffier than this most recent attack of tears would make them – and my skin is at the same time pale and blotchy. Bending my head I splash my face with cool water then pat my skin dry with one of the hotels soft, fluffy towels before taking a deep breath and unbolting the door.

Rick is sitting up in bed, his head bent over his phone as he scrolls through the screen. He doesn't look as if he's reading whatever it's showing, just scrolling aimlessly, passing time and trying to distract himself.

He looks up as I walk back towards the bed, biting his lip apprehensively. "I'm sorry Cherry."

I nod and attempt a wobbly smile. "I know."

"Come back to bed." He puts his phone to one side and holds back the bedcovers.

I do as he suggests and slip back under the covers, but rather than snuggle up to him I pull them close around me, creating a little cocoon of my own. Rick turns on his side towards me, propped up against the pillows. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know." I shrug my shoulders lightly. "You promised you wouldn't treat me any differently Rick, and already you are."

"I know and I'm sorry Cherry. I didn't mean to... it's... hard. I love you, I want to do anything I can to take care of you."

"I know, and I do understand, but I'm not an invalid. I don't need taking care of; I'm not even ill at the moment. I'm fine; a night awake with you while you asked me stupid questions about the random stuff that pops into your head like you always used to wouldn't have hurt me."

"I don't ask stupid questions."

"You do," I laugh softly, "and that's one of the things I love about you. But that's beside the point right now. I need you to treat me like you were this time yesterday. I need you to want to go running with me and to want to beat me. I need you to tickle me in hotel corridors and laugh when I need a wee. I don't need someone else wrapping me up in cotton wool; my mum and Lou already have that covered."

"I understand that Cherry, but I just want to..."

"Take care of me, I know." I cut in, focussing on pleating the edge of the duvet cover between my fingers as I speak. "I don't know if you do really understand though, what its like. And I don't even know if I expect you to understand because I'm not sure that I do myself, and I don't think I can even put it into words properly. But if you can't treat me normally then maybe we need to end this now." I glance up at him, my eyes prickling with tears again.

"Is that what you want?" His voice is little more than a whisper and his blue eyes are clouded with even more sadness than they were a few minutes earlier.

I shake my head. "No it's not, of course it's not. I love you. But neither do I want you to treat me like I'm about to shatter into a million pieces any moment. If I can't do something, or I need to rest, I'll tell you. I don't need you second guessing and making decisions for me."

"Okay, I'll do my best. I love you Cherry, I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry I upset you." He reaches for my hand, linking his fingers between mine.

"It's fine. Let's forget about it now, shall we?" I loosen my cocoon of covers and wriggle closer to him, lifting my hand to his face and guiding it down to mine. Once again kissing him seems the perfect antidote to the turmoil in my head.

I should end this, I really should. Nothing about this situation is right, or fair to Rick. But I can't. Even in these few short weeks I've come to need him, to remember how much I loved him before and realise that I still do.