TRIGGER WARNING CHAPTER
I pushed Niall away. I couldn't hurt any more people. If I dated Niall I hurt Harry, If I didn't date Niall I hurt him. So to save him pain I pushed him away and ran home. I laid in my bed for hours. I couldn't breathe I cried so much. I wrote the boys a note.
Dear Boys,
I will not be able to respond to any texts at all. I'm sorry. I couldn't take this pain anymore. I'm sure you will figure everything out eventually. But until you do I wish you all the best. I hope you guys don't take this too hard or think it's your fault because it's not. I just couldn't take hurting anyone. I'm sorry again and like I said I will be unreachable for quite some time.
Sincerely Yours,
Courtney
After that I put it in a envelope and put in my mailbox. I mailed to Liam since I figured he wouldn't go and tear up. He actually read it. With that I went to my bathroom. I found two razors under the sink. I texted my therapist and said I really need some help right now... I didn't want to die. I wanted to feel pain I deserved. The pain I caused other people. With that I slashed my wrist and while the blood dripped down my wrist onto the floor, I started making deep marks into my thighs. I could feel the blood draining from body. I got into the shower and turned it on. The blood rain down my legs and over my hands. I watched it in the tub. I started to feel dizzy. I knew what was happening. I sat down and just let the feeling take over my body. My vision got blurry and heard a knock on the door. I could hear a scream. "Courtney let me in.." my therapist yelled at me. The door was unlocked. Why she knocked is beyond me. Eventually I blacked out. I woke up laying in hospital bed with my wrist wrapped up and my legs covered in white gauze. "Hello?" I yelled. "Oh, Your up Courtney. Good to see you. Tomorrow you get to leave. But you are going to into a rebah center." Those words rang in my ears. I knew it was coming. Hell that's why I wrote the letter to the boys in the first place. But the place they send me is like a insane asylum. I was hoping I get to choose. Not them.
I woke up that next morning and the nurse had already to packed my bags. Well I guess its time to leave. I got up and dressed in blue sundress the nurse lady laid out for me. It was from my old stuff. My therapist must have went and got clothes for me. Great I could only imagine. I got put in wheelchair. It was weird, I didn't pull the dress over the cuts low on my legs I just let everyone stare. At this point I had nothing to hide. I got put in the front seat of the van. I kept looking out the window. I noticed how far out we were. When I finally got there the driver helped me take my bags out of the back and then I grabbed them and started walking in. I remember this place. Same place different faces. Guess the old people couldn't handle it. I understand why though. Some of the people who come in cut way deeper and harder than I could ever imagine. They took me to my room where a little journal sat. The nurse said, "For you to write your feelings, or keep a diary." With that she walked away. I decided to write my first entry.
Day 1:
Well here I am. A place I swore I never come back to nine months ago. But here I am. I look out the window and think why couldn't I hack the real world? Why did I screw up so much. I'm so weak. Well I think I'm going to sleep my whole time here. Screw everyone.
I didn't get too. I was forced to eat, forced to go to group therapy, force to take my meds, force to sit in the wreck hall for no reason. Day 1 in that place sucked.
Day 2:
Well lets redo the cycle over again. I get up go eat breakfast come back and take a nap. I got told today I could only get letters. I was not able to see visitors at all. Well this sucks. So it looks like I'm on my own with this shit. This place is driving me crazy. Some one come help.
I throw my pen at the window and it just bounced back. I finally got my gauze off later that day. No stitches. That's a good thing. We all ate dinner and I made a friend named Annie. Annie had tons of scars across her body. She was asked today in group why she did it. Why did she cut herself. Her response is forever embedded in my brain.
"I didn't cut myself because I was upset, sad, or hurt. I did it because I was angry. I was angry with the world. With myself. With the world because it wants you to be perfect but when your not you become nothing. With myself because I allowed myself to fit into that barbie doll type. I didn't want to face the real world anymore. So I only started dating guys with a lot of money. They helped me forget. Until one started hitting me and throwing me around. I stuck around anyway for the money. Nobody cuts themselves because they are sad. They cut themselves because the real world broke them."
(a/n: okay so teaser chapter because I have writers block bad and I'm super tired. Plus I wanna know if you guys like the journal entires? Because if so I'm going to put a lot more. If not let me know!)
