Day 5:
Today was a good day. I got up and went to eat my breakfast. It was maple brown sugar oatmeal, scrambled eggs, two pieces of sausages, and a box of orange juice. Everything tasted different. For a while now the medication they were giving me made my taste buds go bonkers. They finally stopped it last night. It was giving me terrible nightmares. I couldn't sleep. The past three days were the worse days of my life. I spent all night of Day 2 crying my eyes out. Day 3 was spent trying to figure out what hell was wrong with me. Which according to my therapist I was diagnosed with depression. On top of my anxiety and BPD. I woke up the fourth morning wanting to scream. Scream at the top of my lungs. I couldn't figure out why I had to go all the pain I am dealing with. But as I sat at the breakfast table I realized I wouldn't get anywhere feeling sorry for myself. So instead of sitting in my room I went outside. They have this little swing that you go and look at on the lake. I took a deep breathe and just sat there. I did the same thing today, heck I'm sitting here writing this. I really hope the boys are okay. They don't need to worry about me. Because sitting looking at the sun start to set and the swans bobbing their heads under water. I realized that maybe just maybe, I'll be okay.
Day 6:
Today in group I sat next to Anna. We've become close friends. She would give me great quotes from movies or actors or anybody or anything she could think of. I would give her stories to read. I go into the library and pick out books not just for me but for her also. I gave her the book "The Outsiders." I told her I felt like she would understand it more than anyone else. I told her just because she came from a home with not a lot money doesn't mean she is any less of person than who did. Anna once told me I need to watch the movie 10 Things I About You after I told her everything that happened with Niall and Harry. The weird thing was that she laughed after I told her the story. I still haven't had the courage to ask her why. So as I sit here in my room I just question the reason why people do some of the stupidest stuff. Like why did the kids at Anna's school bully her and tell her to kill herself? Why did my parents have to leave me behind me? So many questions that I don't think I will have the answers too. But that's life right? Not knowing whether you will have the answers. But you can't always have answers. Because if you had all the answers then the world would be a bland place with no excitement.
Day 7:
So this is it. I've made it a week. In that week I've made a friend, learn to live with myself and my scars, and finally understand that's it's okay not be okay. I've also learned that in order to get anywhere in life I have to try. I used to think that I could never get anywhere. No body would want me anyways. But that's not the truth. For my reward for making it a week I got a letter. I got letter today from family. I'm scared to open it. I'm scared to read it. But here goes nothing.
Dear Courtney,
We just got informed that you are back in rehab. That's a good thing. It will really help you. We hope to see you when you get out. Also for the news of the house. Your Father and I have decided that we want to sell it. I'm sorry Courtney but that's mean you can't live there. So your options are to find a new house to live in here or move to the states with us. I know what your thinking. That's not fair. Well life isn't fair. We have to decided to buy you a car. We know you have your motorcycle and you love to walk but we don't you to get sick if it's raining and the only you option you have to do is walk. So in this situation you win some you lose some. We do love you Courtney but the house is costing us too much. Plus you need to support your own. We hope everything works out for you. Love you.
Did they really tell me you when some you lose some? It's not a soccer game. So it looks like I'm stuck in a rut. I have no home what so ever. I'm literally so screwed. I have no home, no where to go. I let some of the mangers of the place read the letter. I begged them to let me write back. They did, it hit me that I do have a place. So I decided to write them back and put it in the mail.
Dear my family,
If you guys are even that to me anymore. You tell me you are getting me a car. Great, thanks. Also yes I am doing so much better than before. What I did to put myself here was not good. But I would like you to move all my stuff to Grandpa and Grandma's house. I have already talked to the mangers here and they are going to take the money I have saved and use it to buy the house to let me move in there when I get out. Also life isn't a soccer game. You don't just "win some and lose some." Life is mind field. You constantly are watching every step you make and trying not to get blown up. But sometimes you have people (like you guys) who just don't care if they blow up someone and hurt them. Hell you guys were the ones who planted the bombs in my case. Oh and also no, you can't see me when I get out.
Yours Truly,
Courtney.
Day 10: I haven't wrote in awhile. After I sent that letter my whole body was numb. I was zombie, I just got up and slept. I was forced to go to group therapy. I sat in the back and just stared at everyone. When it was my time to talk, I just said passed. On Day 8 I sat outside for most of the day. Anna came outside and sat down next to me. She didn't try to force me to talk she just looked at me. Before she left she hugged. I hugged back and I felt amazing to just hug someone. It was something I was needed but acted like it hurt me even more. When I was forced to go inside I thought about writing and decided not too. Day nine was spent getting back on feet and trying to show everyone that I am trying. So here I am tonight, Anna said something again in group tonight. She looked at me dead in the face also, "A friend is not someone who see every single day, a friend is not someone who knows everything single you are going to say. A friend is someone who always has you in their heart. A friend is someone who knows that sometimes you don't need to say anything but sit there and just try to understand. Life is hard, it so fucking complicated. But life is what makes a person. Whether they are a liar, thief, a criminal, a good person, a self harmer, and for the real special ones. The people no one could never understand even if they tried.
