Sometimes I wonder if there are any people out there that have the same life as me. I want to hear someone tell me that I'm not the only one; that they too are struggling in life the same as me. That it's hard for them as well to feel happy. Happy, that's the word in my dictionary that doesn't have a definition because personally, I don't know the feeling or true meaning of it.
When my brother passed away, I wanted the ground to swallow me. I wish he never died. I bet if he was still alive, my life would be a tiny bit better, maybe. I don't really like talking about how my brother died. Let's just say there were some greasers involved in his death. The aftermath of his death is:
• the Thirlwalls becoming seriously depressed
• me starting to self-harm
•my mom yells at me for every little thing now
•my dad becoming drunk and cheats on my mum with a different gal each day
My dad is sometimes too drunk to even realize what he's doing is wrong. For instance, earlier he slapped Perrie. I bet if he were sober, he wouldn't have slapped Pez and attempted to hit Leigh-Anne. Sure, he would've gotten pissed that Pez pushed him, but he wouldn't have hurt her...physically.
I feel bad for Perrie. She didn't deserve to be slapped by him. Or by anyone. She's a very lovely girl. All of them are. Zayn seems like the type person that on the outside he's this tough and strong guy but in the inside he's a sweet person. I haven't met Samuel yet. Meeting him will be interesting.
Right now me and the girls just got home. Well, their home. The scent of smoke is in the air. When I first tried it, I thought it was terrible. Round two wasn't so bad. After a bit more of smoking the cigar, you get used to it. The feeling of the smoke in my body is good. It makes me feel awaken.
"Do y'all think it's alright for me to be smoking?" I ask the girls. They all just nod and inhale more of the smoke.
"It's alright if it makes you feel alive. It does make you feel that, right?" Jesy raises her right eyebrow at me.
"Yea." I say.
***
I kept thinking of what Jesy said earlier.
'It's alright if it makes you feel alive.'
Everyone has their own way of coping with their problems. Maybe cutting myself isn't the best option. Smoking makes me feel more alive than self-harming.
I didn't realize how late it was until I checked the time on the clock.
11:21AM
Leigh, Jesy, and Pez fell asleep on the floor. They don't own a mattress so they had to sleep there. I wonder where Zayn is at.
I got up and to use the bathroom and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Zayn is knocked out in the dirty bathtub with a vodka bottle in his hand. His eyes open a little.
"Get away. I'm sleeping." he groans before falling back asleep. I guess he won't be waking up for a while. I sat down on the toilet. Perrie came barging in and I freaked out!
"Jade! Was that you who screamed?" She asks frantically, not bothered that I'm half naked and that Zayn is passed out in the tub.
"Yea that was me. Sorry it's just that Zayn scared me. I wasn't expecting him to be here." I say as I pull my shirt down and try to cover my private part. Perrie let out a sigh.
"Well at least you're okay. And don't worry about him. He tends to pass out at random places." She says casually. I give her a smile as my face starts to hear up. I finished peeing and I don't want her to see my lady garden.
"Um Pez, I'm done peeing." I say bluntly. She just giggled and stays at her current position.
"Then wipe your minge!"
"What the hell is a minge?" I ask, forgetting that I'm half naked.
"It means vagina. Jade, you have to learn to be confident in yourself! Me and the girls and boys can strip down in front of each other and not care at all. Now wipe your bum." Perrie explains. I don't have friends and this is my chance to be close with someone. No matter how awkward I feel. I lift up my bum a little and wipe myself and pull up my tights.
"Yay! You did it. Now we are officially close!" I laugh at her version of being 'close'. I wash my hands and head to the room where all the girls are at.
"It's quite chilly." I whisper (I don't want to wake up the girls) as I rub my arms to try to create heat.
"I know right. Let's cuddle!" Perrie is cute. Even though we have only met for less than 24 hours, I can tell she's a cutie. I lay down on the floor next to her and lay my head on her chest and she wraps one arm around my waist. I look up and I see the bruise on her cheek has gotten bigger. My thumb gently caresses it.
"I'm sorry about my dad." I apologize.
"Shut up. I told you it's ok. No need to say sorry. Now go to bed, sister. Good night." Perrie says as she closes her eyes. Soon her breathing and heart rate decreases. I smile was on my face when she said 'sister'. ,
"Good night, cutie." I mumble.
I have a feeling with these girls and Zayn (also possibly Sam) I'll find the definition and feeling of happy. I also have a feeling these people will teach me how to be confident and be myself.
I have a feeling I can trust them.
Hey, iLY all ❤️
