caged emotions

Chapter 9. unseen pain

Ok, trigger warning: panic attack ahead. And a little bit of selfharm. I'm not sorry.

Reaper got the picture of the corpses and a nude of a skeleton. But he needed to promise Geno to not show it to anybody.
Raven bought himself the aquarelle of a Raven flying through a thunderstorm. Nobody know if he got it just for fun or because it was actually pretty good.
Goth asked me if he could get a portrait of me. But I said I had a better idea.
After that Geno asked for a little familyportrait. Just as big as a photo.
I promised to start as soon as possible.
The family left at the late evening leaving me alone in my house.
I started cleaning up and tending to some of my wounds. I couldn't help but smile at todays events. I looked around my tidy house and couldn't help my smile from falling.

Was my house always this dark and cold. It was like the time I lived with him...

No, no, no. That's over. I'm already grown up. I live alone. That's why this big space feels so lonely. I'm only feeling like this because I just had guests and now it's quiet again. I just feel a little bit lonely without anyone, but it's nothing like with him. Come on we don't want to remember, right?

If that would happen my emotions would act up. And then all my effort would go to waste.

If I let myself go he will get angry. I don't want him to become angry.

I still have the scars from the times he didn't even had a reason. I don't want to know what he would do if he gets a reason to hurt me.

No!

Stop thinking about that!

Stop it!

My vision started fading and I realized I was kneeling on the ground.

Was I hyperventilating? Probably.

I needed to get everything under control.

I pulled myself up and somehow got into the kitchen.

Something cracked. Maybe my sanity.

I fished through drawers till I found what I was looking for. A knive.

My legs trembled when I remembered what he did to me. With knives like this. Everytime he got a knive everything got a hundred times worse.

I opened my jacket and lifted my shirt up. A bunch of scars littered the bones underneath. Half of them are his doing.

I pressed the knive on one of my ribs and started.

I made a piece of art out of my body. Like I have done so many times before.

I connected old scars from my childhood with scars from streetfights. Making forms and carving stories into the bone. Trees became parts of dragons. Dragons faded into waves of an ocean. Cut by cut.

Everytime my emotions act up I have done this. My body is full of scars. Inflicted by others or myself.

Pain helps me. Pain is a logical aspect. When we are hurt pain becomes a signal that something is wrong. And we start to analize what is wrong. We don't want to die. That's an instinct. If the wound isn't serious we will start to calm down to find ways to treat them. I need this calm moment. In that little time I can lock up my emotions. Keep them down. Stay hidden.

Swiftly I stand up and wrap up my ribs. I didn't need to cut too much this time. I clean up the kitchen and go into my atelier. Time to make the paintings Mr. Geno and Cupcake asked for.

_____________

I need to warn ya: I'm a big sadist. This wont be the last chapter I write something like this.

See ya~