Waiting For Winter

Together, Alone

His hands, squeezing.

That's all I could think about. Him trying to kill me. Almost succeeding...if it weren't for that ignorant drunkard. I laid my head to rest on the back of the stone bench. The sun would be rising soon. I twisted and turned the daisy around in my fingertips, my eyes closed, thinking. Trying to endure the frightening scene that played repeatedly behind them. I felt the hot tears fall and I scowled as I angrily threw the dumb flower at the Garden ground. Good job that did; the poor, innocent flower swished and swayed its way to the ground. Unharmed. Unlike me. My hands balled into fists and I childishly stomped the ground. My legs drew up underneath me and I found myself in a ball.

I'm such a crybaby. I miss...before.

"--hah, yeah! And Chef is always complaining about the girls talking about the goings-on in their rooms at night at the table," I heard him laugh. I didn't care. I ignored him. Him and his stupid guest, or whoever she was!--I didn't care!

She was laughing too. "Wait, what?! That's crazy!"

So crazy.

"Why would they--?"

"Hold up."

I heard him get closer. I was met by no embrace.

"Kimmy?" He harshly shook my shoulder. "What's up?"

Jumping up, I slapped him hard in the face. "Don't pretend you care! You weren't there!"

Dean tried to wrap his arms around me, but I pushed him away, sending him tripping backward over himself. He steadied and was glaring at me.

I looked past him and at the blond staring amusedly behind him. She was...beautiful. Her eyes were a vibrant sea green, and her lips were small and thin, but pouty. Her long, violet summer dress was a thing out of a magazine.

I shoved my way out of there in a hurry, afraid I'd burst into even more tears for the feel of being replaced.

***

Who cares about the stupid plan. I'm never getting out of here. Not as long as you live. I might not remember a lot of my life, but I'm damn sure it was Heaven compared to this place.

I gripped the sharp kitchen knife tightly behind my back as I inched my way toward his bed. He was sleeping soundly on his back. He looked so holy in the brightening orange glow of the rising sun. He looked almost fragile and innocent. What are you doing Kim? This way, you're no better than him. But...everyone would be free.

I climbed on top of the bed, moving my knees right then left on either sides of him, and I raised the knife high up into the air.

And then he opened his eyes. Very slowly, letting his eyes adjust to the glare. "K-Kim?"

His eyes looked so sad.

"I'm so sorry, Kim," Alexander pleaded once more. His crystal eyes began to well up with tears. Then he noticed the knife in my hands. I felt so much guilt in that moment. Though, he simply smiled. It wasn't his usual smile. This smile was sad.

"Give this to me..." Alexander gently took the knife away from me--I let him--and he threw it at the wall. Then he carefully pulled me down into him. I couldn't move. I was shaken, actually. And confused. And I just felt so alone... I allowed him to entangle his fingers in my hair and rub my back. I felt my body start to relax in his embrace. We lie there together, silent for a solid 15 minutes. In silence, you think. I've discovered and mastered this over the years I've been here. When you find yourself lying next to a stranger in the middle of the night, and you're left wide awake from the pain and humiliation, you think. You think about all the things you're missing out on outside of this world, because, yes, this is a totally different world. You wonder what "normal" girls living "normal" lives are doing. But I wasn't thinking about these things. I thought about Dean. How he promised to rescue me, and everybody here. And now he was fooling around with some girl. I wondered what he'd do if he saw me like this. He'd probably laugh at how pathetic I was and run off with that blond.

Alexander was thinking about a nightmare.

"I wasn't dreaming when you came in," he told me softly. "I was plainly sleeping. Fortunately, like a baby."

I closed my eyes to his voice.

"But I did dream before..." Alexander continued. He wrapped his arms around me. "I suppose one would call it more of a nightmare."

I listened intently as he told me about the horrors of his nightmare. The girl with the bleeding head even creeped me out. She'd pulled every strand of her hair out.

"It was as if the hair didn't belong to her," he breathed, sounding in a trance.

I turned my head toward his face. "What do you mean?"

He looked down at me. "Like...it wasn't real." Alexander looked suddenly frightened.

"She kept asking me if I remembered her..but then I screamed at her as her face molded into something else, something so evil-looking," his frantic eyes seemed to search my own face for a hint of that crazy girl. "But then I did remember her. And she wasn't who she was..."

"Alexander," I finally said, stopping him. "Calm down. It was just a dream. It wasn't real."

"Like her hair..."

"I'm real," I practically shouted. "Focus on me."

What he did next was in itself expected, comforting, and I can't deny that I needed to feel something. Because, I, myself, felt as though I was losing myself. I felt empty. Alexander's warm mouth heated me from the outside in. I ran my hand along his chest, giving in completely. He kissed me harder and I felt the hand on my back glide down to my waist. Then the other hand. I let out a sigh as he pulled away to kiss down my neck. He leaned back to look me in the face, and grinned with glazed eyes. I shyly bit my lip. Alexander brought his hands up to my face, and he leaned back in to kiss me. Without realizing it, I let my mouth open slightly. Before I knew what was happening his tongue snaked its way against mine. I was willing this time. I had completely let go. My head was spinning, he was making me feel so dizzy.

Suddenly, he flipped over on top of me. Alexander's right hand found the strings on my nightgown, and his left made its way down to the inside of my thigh. I feel safe with you, Alexander, I thought, breathing heavily, as he yet again pulled away from me to begin fumbling with this sweatpants. "Alex..." I mumbled, reaching for his hands. "Don't ruin it...just kiss me and never let me go."

"Awe..." Alexander chuckled, lying back down on top of me. He kissed me tenderly to sleep.