Affair with the King

Part 7

Weeks had passed and the wedding was only two days away. Juan had spent every day sending notes, stealing kisses, and showing Sarah how much he adored her. Despite her resolve not to, Sarah found herself caring more and more for the prince. She tried to lie to herself, saying she wasn't falling in love, but she could not deny the truth. 

He had fallen as well. Hard. The closer he got to his wedding date, the more he filled with dread. He had even gone to his mother, begging her to break the agreement with Caterina's parents. The Queen urged him to stay true to his promise. Otherwise, there could be conflict between the two families, and by extension, their two countries.

As much as it hurt her, Sarah resolved to end his courtship once and for all. He arrived at her room, as he had almost every night for the past couple of weeks, to play card games, talk, or simply sit with her. She usually greeted him with kisses and affectionate touch, but tonight, she remained in her seat when he arrived. 

He gave her a strange look, but went to her, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "Are you unwell?", he asked, sitting in the chair across from her. 

"I'm well, my lord", she said, nervous. 

He could tell something was wrong with her. "Tell me".

She sighed. "Juan....the wedding".

"I don't want to talk about the wedding. This room is my sanctuary. Please don't bring up unpleasant things in it". 

"The wedding", she continued. "It approaches".

He sighed, taking her hand and pulling her to him, sitting her on his lap. She absent mindedly played with his hair. He rested his head on her breast, closing his eyes.

"The wedding approaches", she continued. "And, you'll have to consummate that marriage - "

"Sarah", he warned. He was so tired of talk of the wedding. 

"Juan, let me speak freely? Please?".

He sighed again, rolling his eyes. "Of course".

"I care for you", she said. "More than I imagined I would this quickly. And, the thought of your lips on another. Your hands touching her the way they touch me. Even more intimately than they touch me....these are not thoughts I could bear". 

"So, don't think them. I would never touch her, kiss her, or want her the way I do you. You should know my devotion to you by now". 

"Please don't dismiss me this way, Juan", she pleaded. "You have no idea the torment I feel inside". 

He finally looked at her, giving her his undivided attention. "What would you have me do, Sarah?".

"Marry her. Forget me".

He scoffed. "As if that were an easy thing to do". 

"Juan -"

"No, Sarah", he interrupted. "I can't and I won't. I will resign myself to that loveless marriage but I will not give you up for it".

She forced herself to stand, putting distance between them. "You're not the only one with say in the matter".

He went to her, grabbing her by the shoulders. "I've done what you've asked. I've been respectful and discreet. I love you, Sarah. This you know is true".

A tear slid down her cheek. She would not look at him. "I do know it", she said, in a choked voice. "And, I know my feelings for you are true. But, I can't do this with you Juan. I thought I could, but I can't".

He softened at the sight of her tears. He hugged her tightly against him. "I understand, Sarah. I do. I wish you would try harder to understand me".

She laughed, but it was hallow, full of sadness. "Am I cursed? To fall in love with someone I can never be with?".

"But, we can", he insisted, running the pad of his thumb over her cheek. "It isn't perfect, but we do what we must. Yes, it's cruel that we have been appointed these positions in life that go against the heart's true desires, but we must do what we can. You are my destiny. I know this to be true".

"Maybe our destinies work against us". She touched his face, gently. "I know that I cannot be happy being a mistress".

"I know you are a lady in the highest regard, pure in every way", he said quickly. "I regret that I have to ask you to compromise that. And, until you can know that my heart will always belong to you I will be content with kisses and your touch. I will not ask for more. I promise you this".

She kissed him, softly. "You should go".

"Sarah, please!", he pleaded. "Don't do this!".

She looked at him, hearing a desperation in his voice. "Juan....if I stay with you, I will only promise myself heartbreak. I will love you. This I know. How can you ask me to see the man I love loving another? Would you be that cruel?".

"I could never love her. I could never love anyone. You have captured my heart and now you destroy it by rejecting me. I understand, though. I do. I am sorry I cannot do more to make you love me back". He released her hand, leaving her room, his head hanging in defeat.

She watched him leave, eyes filling with tears. She closed the door again, cutting her view of him off. Her heart ached. She could not move. She could barely breathe. She collapsed onto her bed, releasing her tears. She cried until there was nothing left to shed, and she was exhausted.  

She forced herself out of bed to undress, then quickly fell back into it, pulling her blankets tight around her. It took her only moments to fall fast asleep. 

Across the castle, Juan was in a frenzy. He threw furniture around his suites, roaring in anger. Manuel, his most trusted friend, tried to calm no, to no avail. So, he just stayed out of Juan's way, making sure the prince didn't hurt himself. While Sarah slept like the dead, Juan was certain no sleep would find him that night.