Charulata's Diary | On Going |

Knight In The Shining Armor

                                       Tuesday
                                      24|04|2018

11:20 pm

My whole life is an epitome of pain and agony. Everything, I have ever wanted has been denied to me. Which is normal to everyone, becomes an offense, when I desire to do that thing.

You, always, used to say that I'm special. You were always right. I am special because I'm deprived of happiness, deprived of love, deprived of all the good things that happens to the other people.
I am deprived of God.

No one is there, like me.

How would you feel, when you were the whole universe for someone and suddenly you came to know that the person is not, at all, bothered, if you exist anymore?

Everyone was laughing at me, in the college. I was never anyone's favorite, there. So, everyone was enjoying my pain and I hate them for that.

I never laugh at anyone's distress. Then why the hell, they can't leave me alone?

In an instant, I was back to that school corridor where that boy was making fun of me with his friends and I was standing like a fool, as an object of their entertainment.

I'm still that, Charulata.

I thought, I have changed. I thought, I'm stronger than before, now. I thought, I have learned to fight back.

But no. I didn't change. And I cannot fight.

If I was stronger, then I would have been capable to answer their taunts. I would have not run away like a coward.

It was always you, Arjun. I was strong because you made me believe that I was strong. I was never that shy, silent, Charulata with you. You made me laugh, you made me talk. You made me fight my own battle.

You were my courage.

I knew, you were always there to watch my back. You were always there to grab me if I would fall. You were always there to hold my hand and pull me up when I was weak.

I was dependant on you.

But, what am I going to do, now?

I know, I have to be that, Charulata, that you had made me. But it is hard without you.

But, no. Doesn't matter how hard it is, I'm not going to be the object of their fun anymore. I will fight my own battle, without your support. You want to stay mad at me, then fine. I don't need you, anyway. I will show you that I can be strong without your help. And when you will come back, I will tell you my victory stories.

Will you be proud of me, then?

Will you forgive me, then?

You were so proud of me when I gave that speech about protecting our nature in front of all the students and teachers, on the International Tree Plantation Day, before planting the trees on the school yard.
I was so afraid that I thought I would faint when I saw such a huge crowd in front of me. Then I did, what you told me to. I closed my eyes and imagined you in front me. I never believed, it would actually work, because the moment I opened my eyes, there was only you and no one else.

You were the first to clap after I finished. Then the whole audience started to clap, standing on their chair.

Was I that good?

I don't know. But that day was a victory for me. Victory over my fears.

When I was looking for you, on the back stage, I found you sitting on the stairs. When I sat beside you, you turned to me and wrapped your hands around my body into a tight embrace and said,
"I'm proud of you, Charu. I'm proud of you "

That was all I wanted to hear.

I wanted to make you proud of me and that's why I agreed to give that speech, in the first place. You knew, how scared I was but you didn't let me succumb to my fears. You fought with me.

I will make you proud of me again.

I will not punish myself for someone else's wrongdoing.

I will not cry for, Sidharth. Never, ever.

Whenever I think about him the pain twists my heart in a very bad way. It suffocates me.

I can still hear his words, still can feel his touch.

But I won't try to stop those memories to come. Let them come. Time heals all the wounds. Time will heal mine, too.

But, I will not just be a damsel in distress and I don't need a Prince Charming, anymore, to rescue myself.
I will be my own Knight In The Shining Armor.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Hi, everyone.
I don't know if you will enjoy reading this chapter. I have written this chapter in a rush. I'm not satisfied, myself.

Still, I want to know your feedback to improve my writing. Hopefully, you will comment to let me know.

THANK YOU SO MUCH