Lost In Love And Lattes

Chapter 1

"Dan! Danyol stop it! Go back to bed!" I can hear my mom shouting halfheartedly at my younger brother. It was pointless and everyone knew it; he would inevitably continue to run around giggling and drooling, refusing to go to bed.

I closed my eyes for a moment, letting the comforting feeling of the warm sunset wash over me. I'd sit here in blissful peace on a daily basis. For hours on end, it was just me, sitting on the garage roof. Sometimes I'd bring a book or some music, but more often or not I'd just sit there daydreaming or thinking, with no distractions.

My brother, Danyol, was only just three years old, so home got a bit chaotic and it was nice to have a little haven for myself. It helped that I was the only one who could get onto the roof: we let our neighbour borrow our ladder once and we never got it back, and ironically I was the only one in the house who could unlock the childlock on the window of Mom's ensuite that led onto the garage roof. There was something satisfying about knowing no one could get to me up here. A comfort in the concreteness of my solitude.

The light breeze stroked my hair softly, and I looked out at the slowly sinking sun. I sighed. Everything was just so... muddled. I thought back to the events that had taken place earlier that day.

I had been wandering around the mall, buying a new calculator (Danyol had managed to smash mine). As I walked passed the Victoria's Secret, I caught sight of one of the models. Damn, I'd thought, this girl is hot.

Why had I thought that? I wasn't gay; I'd had plenty of boyfriends before. I mean sure, maybe I hadn't really loved all of them... most of them. All but one. But still, I had tonnes of male crushes! I mean, look at Misha Collins. Ugh this is just to confusing! I scowled.

I know! I was just appreciating how nice some models look. No one could deny that that lady was gorgeous. 

"Avery! Come on you haven't finished school yet, you still need to wake up early tomorrow," I could hear my mom calling me.

Taking one last desperate look at my surrounding, I stood up and climbed back through the window. 

Next comes the scene in every cliché teen girl story: dancing singing along obnoxiously to my favorite songs in my bedroom. I was suppose to be going to bed now, but it was only 10pm so I had my  earphones in and got out my pjs. I danced as much as possible while I got changed, then facetimed my best friend Sam. 

"Hey Sam," I greeted them.

"Averyyyyyy my dude!"

We chatted for ages, Sammy being their usual crazy self. 

"So, have you decided yet?" they asked the dreaded question. I had been accepted into all of the colleges I applied to, but I couldn't for the life of me choose just one. There was a really great one in New York, but it was ages away from Mom and she couldn't deal with Danyol on her own 24/7. There was a college nearby that I'd applied to. It was only a 20 min walk away so I could babysit and help Mom out whenever she needed it, but... it was a very mediocre school, and I wasn't sure I liked the campus. There was only one other school out of those I'd applied to that was a main contender. It was in still California, not too far, and it was definitely better than the one close by. But it wasn't as esteemed as the one in NYC, so I couldn't decide. 

Sam didn't know how lucky they were. They were incredible at art -particularly drawing anime- and had gotten accepted  into one of the best art schools in the country. Also, it was  really close to the college in NYC that I was considering, which was an added bonus for me if I went. 

Unlike me, Sammy didn't have a good relationship with their parents. Ever since they'd come out as gender neutral, their parents had been a lot colder and more distant towards them. It really sucked. Sam was one of the nicest people I had ever met. They were always happy and so confident in their own skin that if they weren't my friend I'd be jealous. It wasn't that their parents were horrible to them, their parents just acted all stilted around them, and although they would never say it it was clear that they didn't really accept Sam for being, well, Sam. Because of that, Sam was keen to go to college far away from home, hence New York. 

"I still haven't decided. Its driving me crazy," I told them. 

"Don't worry about it, you still have time. Just make sure you don't leave it too long or they'll give someone on the waiting list your place."

"I know," I said, "I hate making big decisions, I have the mental capacity of a two-year old -I'm not ready to go to college!"

"Well yeah, I guess. It's gonna be really fun when you get there though, now you need to figure out where 'there' is."

After some drainingly deep talk about college (at this point the subject was like a horror film for me), we ended the call and I got on with my nighttime routine. 

Step 1: Facetime Sam (10-11pm)

Step 2: Watch some Netflix, my one true love (11-12:30am)

Step 3: Sneak downstairs for a midnight cookie and a drink (12:30pm)

Step 4: Read fanfiction on Wattpad (12:30-2am)

Step 5: Go to the loo because that drink went down real quick. Top up water glass. (2am)

Step 6: Scroll through my Instagram explore page, inevitably get sucked into the endless abyss of memes. (2-2:30am)

Step 7: Sleep!

Ha, I wish... Between steps 6 and 7 there was a secret step, substep 6b if you will. The reason I did so many things before going to sleep was that for as long as I'd been able to remember, I'd had severe insomnia. It started when I was 6 and has only gotten progressively worse, so in 6b I listened to music while lying in bed being bored as hell. My current favorite to sleep to is Vibrations by Mae Ji-Yoon. It was so peaceful,but even that didn't send me to sleep.

Most days I fell asleep at 3:45ish, and I had to wake up at 6:30, so it wasn't fun. Weekends were  bliss because then I was allowed to sleep in until midday, and recharge for the week ahead. 

So now I lay in bed. Not quite asleep. Not quite awake. Just waiting for the dreams to come.